


Outskirts

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Romance, Series: Nothing Lasts Forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-19
Updated: 1999-09-19
Packaged: 2018-11-10 14:42:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11128944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Fraser believes he is destined to remain on the outskirts of loveThis story is a sequel toChasms of the Mind.





	Outskirts

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Outskirts

 

 

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans.  
The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the  
creation of this story. Phil and TJ McKenzie belong to SL Haas and are  
used in this story with her permission. Cat Madden belongs to me. No  
infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV or any other  
copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published  
for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to  
be reproduced for profit.  
  
Rated PG for swearing and adult situations - m/f and original character  
  
Lyrics from Outskirts by Blue Rodeo and Am I In Your Way by The Northern  
Pikes used without permission.  
  
Outskirts  
  
 _Here on the outskirts of life  
Dreams seldom come true  
Flippin' through photographs, emotional holographs  
Cutouts of all the figures you might have been  
Reflections of a life you once lived  
_  
  
The silence of his apartment was almost deafening. After the constant  
buzz of noise at the hospital and Becka's presence in his home he had  
forgotten how loud and hollow and empty silence could sometimes be.   
He let out a sigh that spoke of deep, deep sadness and settled back in  
his armchair, trying not to wish for time to hurry.  
  
It wasn't that he didn't like silence. When he was a young man his friend  
Quinn had taught him the secret of silence and so profoundly had it affected  
him that he carried that teaching into his adult life like precious treasure.  
He knew how to listen to silence and hear what it had to say, becoming  
a part of its ebb and flow until he knew it like his own heartbeat.  
  
He recalled some Hindustani music Cat had once played for him. On first  
listen it sounded like a drone but when he listened further, as Quinn  
had taught him, it became a rich, colourful symphony full of light and  
dark, high and low.  
  
Unlike the silence that surrounded him in Chicago.  
  
Closing his eyes, Ben thought of Quinn in his homeland and not for the  
first time longed for the silent emptiness of the Yukon, wishing he could  
instantly find himself transported there, embraced by its vastness instead  
of feeling lost, as he did, in the claustrophobia of Chicago. The Inuit  
people he had known all his life knew how to live in confined conditions  
and they knew how to achieve solitude by distancing themselves, regardless  
of the proximity of their neighbours. In order to survive in Chicago  
he adopted that same technique, distancing himself emotionally for fear  
of becoming someone he did not care to be. But it seemed it had happened  
anyway.  
  
He opened his eyes slowly, glancing around the spartan room in which  
he had lived for three years, seeing it for the first time as others  
must. Mentally he compared his home to others he had known. He thought  
of the warmth of the Vecchio home and the untidy clutter of Cat's home.  
Both were homes that instantly told of the lives lived there. But what  
of his own home?  
  
Running a more critical eye over the room he saw none of the things he  
saw in other people's homes. No books by the bed, no discarded shoes  
by the door - no sign that anyone lived here at all. He noted the neatly  
made bed, its corners tucked away with military precision and the trunk  
beside it, polished to a burnished glow. It looked almost as if it was  
waiting for someone to move in. The only hint of life was the small  
lavender plant on the mantel. The evidence of life in its grey-green  
leaves only served to highlight the lack of life in the rest of the room.  
It seemed that in order to survive he had done far more than distance  
himself emotionally. It seemed that he survived by not living a life,  
but by being on the edge of one.  
  
Cat had said something to him last time they were together, something  
about being on the edge. He scoffed out loud, enjoying the echo of his  
derisive snort in the near empty room. He wasn't on the edge. He was  
on the outskirts. The outskirts of other people's lives - the outskirts  
of his own life.  
  
Ben checked his watch. Ray would not arrive for another half-hour -  
another thirty minutes to be alone with his thoughts. With some effort,  
he pushed himself out of the chair, arousing Dief's interest long enough  
for him to determine there was nothing worth getting up for. The wolf  
dropped his muzzle onto his paws again as Ben headed towards the bricked  
in fireplace on the other side of the room. Cat's last letter, received  
during his time in hospital, rested on the mantel where Becka had placed  
it the night before.  
  
He reached for it and pulled out the two photographs she had sent, telling  
himself he was just killing time. The first was of Becka taken during  
her recent visit with Cat, only days before she had arrived in Chicago.  
Dressed in shorts and a t-shirt she reclined in the old wicker chair  
on Cat's back verandah, her legs propped up on the railing and in her  
hand a large glass filled with something he couldn't identify but was  
sure would be alcoholic, knowing Cat. He smiled warmly at the memory  
of his sister as she had left that morning on her way to Kitimat. She  
was excited about being on her way to a new beginning and he was proud  
of her.  
  
The other picture was of the large bed of columbines he had planted last  
season, for Phil, now in their first bloom. In one corner Cat sat laughing  
on the edge of the flowerbed, as if she had not known she was in shot  
and the photographer, probably Lloyd, had called to her at the last moment.  
Cat looked radiant and he greeted that knowledge with a mixture of pleasure  
and pain, unable to stop a small stab of jealousy.  
  
As he tucked the letter and photos back into their envelope, Ben realised  
that contained in these two pictures was proof of his earlier thoughts.  
Two people he cared about were happy, their lives finally taking the  
direction he had always wanted for them. But he could not be part of  
it. He was forever destined to remain on the outskirts of the lives  
of everyone he cared about. He could watch them be happy, fall in love,  
watch their dreams come true, but it would never happen for him. His  
dreams would never come true. He had no choice. He would remain on  
the outskirts to survive not only Chicago, but also his whole life.   
It was safer that way.  
  
Pushing aside his morbid mood, Ben headed for the kitchen. Diefenbaker  
stirred and followed him into the small room, ever hopeful that his packmate  
would give him something to eat.  
  
"You just want more of Becka's cookies," Ben scolded the wolf.  
"I know you too well." He shook his head at the animal, but  
reached for the cookie jar anyway. The cookies would spoil while they  
were in Canada, he justified to himself as he scooped up a handful and  
deposited them in Dief's bowl. "But don't blame me if you're sick  
on the plane."  
  
Dief raised his eyes to look at Ben, assessing his injuries in a glance.  
 _Who did Alpha Male think he was kidding?_ Dief wondered. **_He_**  
wasn't the one likely to get sick.  
  
Ben took the remaining cookies for himself and reached into the refrigerator  
for the bottle of milk, figuring he should finish that as well, then  
carried his makeshift snack back into the main room. He sidestepped  
the pack on the floor. He was unable to shift it and so it remained  
where Becka had placed it earlier that morning, ready for Ray to carry  
it to the car. For about the thousandth time that day he cursed himself  
for allowing himself to be injured. He lowered himself into the armchair  
and with uncharacteristic abandon, took a large bite of a cookie and  
a slug of milk directly from the bottle.  
  
  
Ben was relieved when he finally heard Ray's confident footsteps in the  
hall. As usual, he didn't bother with knocking and for once Ben was  
pleased when the door flew open and Ray strode purposefully into the  
room.  
  
"Ready to go, Benny?"  
  
Ben struggled out of the chair, trying not to wince at the lingering  
discomfort. "Yes, Ray. Becka packed for me this morning and I  
have had little to do but wait for you."  
  
Blatantly Ray looked him up and down, noting the sad look on his face.  
"And you let yourself get all mushy, by the look of you."  
  
Ben stared off into the middle distance and Ray panicked, worried that  
he had set his friend off on some emotional trip. It seemed everything  
these days made him go silent and in an attempt to cover the emptiness,  
Ray headed across the room to where Ben's pack lay waiting.  
  
"Anyways, lets get this overstuffed rucksack of yours into the Riv  
and get you to the airport." He retrieved it from the floor and  
groaned dramatically under its weight as he swung it onto his shoulders.  
"That is, if it doesn't wreck my suspension."  
  
"Thank you, Ray." Ben's voice was deep and soft, little more  
than a whisper.  
  
Startled by the depth of emotion in his friend's voice, Ray turned and  
stared at Ben, mouth agape.  
  
Embarrassed and slightly shaken by the look on Ray's face, he continued.  
"I mean for all your care during my .... incapacitation."  
  
The pack slipped off Ray's shoulder and he let it drop to the floor.  
"Hell, Benny," he ground out in a voice raw with emotion, "if  
it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be in this ... predicament ... again."  
  
The Mountie flinched at Ray's reference to the time he had shot him and  
all the memories that went with it. They rarely spoke of what Ray had  
once called 'The Victoria Incident'.  
  
"But this time you too were injured, Ray," Ben added quickly.  
  
A grin pulled at the corners of Ray's mouth. "So I guess we're  
'even Steven' now, hey, Benny?"  
  
A true smile crossed Ben's features and it warmed Ray to the core. It  
was the first real smile he had seen in a long time.  
  
"I guess we are, Ray."  
  
This time when Ray collected Ben's pack it was light and Ray whistled  
as he carried it downstairs. After a few final tasks, Ben and Diefenbaker  
followed him.  
  
  
  
"How many more names on the list, Marchand?" Cat asked as  
she slid into the driver's seat of the RCMP jeep.  
  
Constable Marchand consulted his notepad. "Just three more, Sergeant."  
  
"OK, let's do it." She started the car. "What address?"  
  
Marchand read it to her and after mentally figuring out the route she  
turned the vehicle in the direction that would take them there. They  
had spent the better part of the day speaking to former employees of  
a shoe factory that had recently burned to the ground, in the hope of  
finding someone with an axe to grind. So far, all they had found were  
people who had resigned of their own free will and barely gave their  
previous employer a thought.  
  
"Sergeant, I can complete the rest of the interviews on my own,"  
Marchand offered as they drove. "I know you have things to do."  
  
"No," Cat answered a little too quickly. She took a breath  
and in a calmer tone continued, "We'll do it together. We don't  
know who did this and for all we know the next one might be guilty."  
  
Even though Marchand had been back at work for four months now, Cat was  
still a little protective of him. She had not forgiven herself for his  
accident and that guilt made her cautious when it came to assigning duties.  
  
"I just thought you might need to run some errands before you meet  
Constable Fraser's plane."  
  
Everyone in Moose Jaw had heard about Ben's injury and several of her  
colleagues had offered to take shifts to give her time off when he arrived.  
  
Cat smiled and when she responded it was as a friend, not a superior  
officer. "Ah, Will, that's sweet of you, but it's not worth the  
risk. We have enough time and if we don't, Ben will just have to wait  
for me."  
  
Marchand nodded his acceptance and they grew quiet for a while as Cat  
steered them to their destination.  
  
"Forgive me for asking, Sergeant," Marchand began a little  
later, "but are Constable Fraser's injuries very serious? I mean,  
if he has been sent home to recover...."  
  
"Oh, it's nothing like that." Cat said it as much to reassure  
herself as Marchand. She knew of Rob's concerns about the movement  
of the bullet. "It's just that like you, Ben seems to have trouble  
following doctors orders."  
  
Cat and Marchand exchanged a quick smile. Two weeks after his accident  
he had begged her to let him come back to work and when she told him  
no he had been shattered. But it didn't stop him heading out alone in  
a snowstorm to help rescue several hikers he had heard were missing.  
With his wounds still bandaged, Marchand had headed out and led the three  
hikers back to safety without concern for his own wellbeing. When she  
found out she reamed him out long and loud and then enfolded him in a  
hug, making him promise never to be so stupid again.  
  
The final three interviews didn't take as long as Cat expected and before  
she knew it she had completed the days work and was waiting at Moose  
Jaw airport before Ben's plane even landed.  
  
  
  
Ben saw Cat almost as soon as he came through the gate. Standing proud  
in her uniform and as tall as her 5'2" would let her, she stood  
her ground amongst the throng of businessmen getting off the evening  
flight. In the moments before she saw him, Ben watched her remembering  
many times over the years when she had collected him at this same airport.  
Save for a few lines around her eyes and the odd grey hair that she would  
deny, little about her had changed. With a twinge of sadness he wondered  
if their relationship had survived as well. Unbidden, the words of an  
old Northern Pikes song came to mind.  
  
 _Ya ever know a place where nothing ever changed? A place maybe you  
called your home. And so simplified you really try to muster up a smile  
but only loneliness is shown.  
_  
Cat spotted him and a smile spread across her features as she dashed  
towards him. Ben mustered a smile and waited, trying not to let his  
fear and loneliness show.  
  
"You've lost weight," Cat told Ben as she slipped into the  
arms he held out to her.  
  
" **Lost** weight?" He laughed as he hugged her, not concerned  
for the pain in his ribs. "Cat, I've been laying around in a hospital  
bed and not allowed any exercise. I'm quite sure I have **gained**  
weight."  
  
She stepped out of his embrace and looked him up and down, smiling all  
the while. "Well, I guess that means you won't be wanting any of  
the stuff I baked." Taking his hand, she led him away to the baggage  
collection area. "It's a good thing you brought Dief. I'm sure  
he'll eat fig cake."  
  
Ben's eyes widened and a childlike grin spread across his handsome features.  
"Did you say **fig** cake?"  
  
They both laughed and suddenly it was like it always had been. He let  
her collect his pack and Diefenbaker and then together they headed out  
to Cat's jeep. He listened while Cat filled him in on the local RCMP  
gossip and recounted the details of her most recent cases at work, just  
as she had so many other times before.  
  
 _No, nothing has changed_ , Ben admitted as they turned into the  
drive of Cat's overly large house. He chided himself for thinking it  
would. He knew Cat better than that. He turned his head and stared  
at her profile, illuminated by the faint light from the dash.  
  
"What are you staring at?" Cat brought the jeep to a halt in  
her usual parking space.  
  
Ben grinned and waited while she put the vehicle in neutral, pulled on  
the handbrake, turned off the ignition then turned to face him.  
  
"I was just thinking how you haven't changed."  
  
Her smile turned rueful. "That's not what you said last time."  
  
Ben dropped his gaze, remembering his last visit. "Last time I  
said a lot of things I shouldn't."  
  
Reaching across the dark cabin she squeezed his knee affectionately.  
"Well you can apologise for them inside. I know a couple of cats  
who are anxious to see you and Dief."  
  
Ben smiled, suddenly relaxed. He was home again and nothing had changed.  
  
  
After a brief tug of war over the backpack and then some emotional blackmail  
on Cat's part, they finally agreed to take Ben's pack upstairs together  
after dinner. Cat left Ben and Dief to say their hellos to Sheila and  
Bella and meet the new kittens then slipped off to the kitchen to put  
together a tray of goodies.  
  
"Ray told me you didn't want to come here because you thought you'd  
be intruding," Cat said later as she returned with a tray of tea,  
cheese and crackers and the promised fig cake.  
  
Ben made an embarrassed noise and stroked Sheila for a moment before  
replying. "I know Lloyd is important to you and I know you don't  
get a lot of time together....."  
  
"And you're important to me and we get even less time together."  
Cat slid onto the coffee table, facing Ben so that their knees touched.  
  
Ben raised his eyes to look at his friend. "I ... I guess I thought  
... well, I thought you wouldn't want me around."  
  
Cat leaned forward and laid a gentle hand on his knee. "That's  
nonsense, Ben. No matter what is going on in my life I will always,  
and I **mean** always, have time for you. This is your home."  
She gestured around the room, pointing out her proof in the stacks of  
Ben's books on the bookshelves and the closet full of his sporting equipment.  
"Always will be." She leaned further forward and poked a finger  
into his chest. "You're family. Always will be." She shrugged  
and a mischievous grin lit her face. "Why else would I let you  
and Becka waltz in and out of here whenever you want with no consideration  
of my needs or privacy."  
  
Ben was shocked. "I've always respected your privacy."  
  
Cat grinned again. "Yeah, **you** have, but I can't say the  
same about your sister."  
  
"Well, if you feel so strongly I can talk to her..."  
  
Cat laughed and shook her head. "No, I wouldn't change a thing.  
That's exactly what I mean, Ben. You and Becka are family and you belong  
here anytime you want. Hell, I **want** you to turn up whenever you  
feel like it and I **want** you to feel like you can. You understand  
me?" She prodded his chest again.  
  
Ben grabbed the finger poking his chest and pulled Cat off the table  
and onto the sofa with him. "How does Lloyd feel about that?"  
  
Cat giggled as she tumbled onto the sofa against Ben, but when she spoke  
her tone was serious. "Lloyd knows what you mean to me."  
  
"But how does he **feel** about it?"  
  
"If you're asking if he's jealous, Ben, I'm not even going to dignify  
that with a response." She shook her head at the beginning of his  
protest, effectively cutting him off. "Lloyd accepted me as I am  
and that means accepting everything in my life as it is." Her voice  
lowered. "I wouldn't let him be part of my life if he didn't, Ben.  
Don't ever doubt that."  
  
Ben stared at her for a moment, reading the look in her eyes. He knew  
what she said to be true and he felt suddenly ashamed that he had ever  
doubted her. It was now his turn to return that love.  
  
"I thought Lloyd might be here. You said he comes most weekends."  
  
"He does, normally." Cat sat up again and busied herself pouring  
tea. "I asked him not to come this weekend."  
  
Ben's heart sank. "Oh, Cat, I'm sorry. I didn't want you to change  
your plans for me."  
  
She turned and handed him a mug of steaming tea. "I wanted to.  
We need a bit of time together." Grinning, she nudged his foot with  
hers. "But don't worry. You'll get your chance to meet Lloyd.  
He managed to swap shifts with a colleague so he'll have some time off  
during the week. He's hoping to get here Wednesday night."  
  
"Oh. Well, that **is** good. I'm looking forward to meeting  
him." Ben was mildly surprised to find that he meant it.  
  
Cat sipped at her tea and regarded her friend over the rim of her mug.  
"You'll like him, Ben," she said eventually.  
  
"I have no doubt of that. If he has managed to capture your heart  
when so **many** others have failed, he must be a special person."  
  
A smile warmed Cat's eyes. "Are you making fun of me?"  
  
Ben sipped his tea before answering, a teasing smile lighting his face.  
"I guess I was. " Shifting uncomfortably under the weight  
of cats in his lap he struggled to find an easier position.  
  
Bella protested at being moved and slipped off Ben's lap to find a new  
sleeping place that didn't move so much. She wandered through the french  
doors moving slightly in the evening breeze and out onto the verandah  
to settle against a snoozing Diefenbaker's belly. Sheila persisted and  
waited for Ben to resettle before curling into a tight ball in his lap.  
  
"You really do spoil these cats, don't you?" Ben smiled as  
he stroked Sheila affectionately. Although he loved the cats equally,  
he and Sheila had always been bonded in some strange way.  
  
Cat raised an eyebrow and glanced over her shoulder to the verandah,  
where Diefenbaker had not stirred. "Well, your wolf certainly seems  
the model of restraint."  
  
Ben had the grace to look embarrassed for a second before changing the  
subject. "Now what were we talking about?"  
  
Tucking her legs under her, Cat grinned at Ben. "You were teasing  
me about my love life."  
  
He blushed and muttered something under his breath that she didn't catch.  
  
"You were right though, Ben. Lloyd is one special man." Her  
gaze drifted over to the stairs and the wall of photos that showcased  
her life. Her voice grew pensive. "I had no idea it would be like  
this."  
  
A lump formed in Ben's throat as he watched Cat, recognising in her feelings  
that he was too familiar with. Feelings that he would rather he knew  
nothing about. As his gaze shifted to Cat's wall of photos his thoughts  
flowed along the well-trodden path that led him to memories of Phil McKenzie.  
For just a second he allowed himself to remember a time when he had stared  
into the distance as Cat did now, his heart full to overflowing with  
newfound love.  
  
"Ben?"  
  
He turned his head to meet her steady gaze and knew instantly that Cat  
knew what was in his mind.  
  
"Would you like to see some photos?"  
  
Grateful that she was not going to question him, he leapt at the chance.  
"Yes. Yes, I'd like that very much. It's about time I got to see  
what Lloyd Hope looks like."  
  
Cat had already selected a number of photographs for Ben to see. Aware  
that he did not know about Phil's connection to the Hopes, she had carefully  
removed any that might give away too much. She thumped her mug onto  
the coffee table and skipped off to retrieve the photos from where she  
had placed them on the dining table.  
  
After relieving him of his mug, Cat snuggled down beside Ben, flicking  
through the pile of photos and handing them to Ben one at a time, keeping  
up a running commentary as she did.  
  
"I see Joseph hasn't changed," Ben commented as he looked at  
a picture of the doctor organising a family barbecue. Cat agreed and  
handed him the next picture.  
  
"Casey looks well. Life in Montana seems to agree with her."  
  
"But she's still in love with Ray. I think she'd be much better  
if he would give up this guilt bullshit and get up there and see her."  
  
Ben's eyes widened in surprise. "Ah, so you know about that?"  
  
Cat nodded sadly. "Yeah, Casey told me the whole story just before  
she grilled me about Ray."  
  
Sensing something he had seen before in Cat, Ben tilted his head and  
fixed her with a steady gaze.  
  
"You're not going to interfere, I hope?" An almost forgotten  
memory came back to Ben as soon as the words were out of his mouth.   
Casey had interfered at a crucial time in his relationship with Ray and  
to this day he believed she was instrumental in setting them on the path  
to reconciliation. But he would never tell Cat that.  
  
Cat shrugged innocently. "No." She felt no guilt whatsoever  
for this tiny white lie. She didn't tell him that she had already sent  
Ray photos of Casey and that she and Trevor were keeping up their campaign  
of mentioning her whenever they could. "I won't interfere."  
She crossed her fingers behind her back and thought of Trevor.  
  
Ben frowned at her, not at all convinced she was telling the truth.  
  
Before he could question her further, Cat continued with the photos,  
showing him several of Emily and Trevor and various combinations of family  
members. With a flourish she handed him the final one, a shot of Lloyd  
and her that TJ had taken, although she did not mention that.  
  
"And this is Lloyd," she stated in a quietly reverent voice  
that Ben had never heard her use before.  
  
He accepted the picture and spent long moments staring into the face  
of the man who had won Cat's heart. A smile curled the corners of his  
lips. As usual, Cat had neglected to mention that Lloyd was Native American.  
She never bothered to tell him things like that; to her it never seemed  
important.  
  
He recalled an embarrassing moment ten years earlier when he had met  
an Indonesian man named Eddie with whom Cat had become friendly. She  
had neglected to mention where he was from or the fact that he was Muslim  
so when they dined together that night in a Moose Jaw restaurant, Ben  
had recommended the Canadian bacon. Eddie had handled the situation  
with a grace that suggested he was well used to it. Ben had been too  
mortified to speak for the rest of the evening.  
  
Frowning slightly, he stared at the picture, realising that Lloyd did  
not look as he expected. Of course he knew of Lloyd's cultural heritage.  
He had recognised it in Emily when they first met. For some reason he  
had expected Lloyd to look more like TJ and then he found himself wondering  
why he had thought that.  
  
"So what do you think?" Cat asked, nudging Ben's shoulder.  
  
He smiled and handed the picture back to her. "He's a handsome  
man and you look good together." Glancing up at the wall above  
the fireplace and Cat's collection of Native American artefacts, he remembered  
her attachment to the local Cree community and her long-standing friendship  
with the Sunsinger family.  
  
Her smile grew wistful as she followed Ben's gaze. "Remember I  
told you that Calvin Sunsinger told me twenty years ago that I had a  
red heart?"  
  
His hand reached for Cat's and squeezed. "It seems he was right."  
  
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Cat slid to the edge of her seat  
and reached for the cake on the tray. Picking up a knife, she glanced  
at Ben and indicated the cake. He nodded and she cut them both a generous  
slice. She handed Ben his slice and they ate together in silence for  
a while.  
  
"Can we talk about what happened last time you were here?"  
She glanced sideways to gauge the effect of her words.  
  
Ben popped the last bite of cake into his mouth, chewing deliberately  
as he leaned forward to replace the empty plate on the table. He swallowed  
twice and ran his left thumb over his left eyebrow before answering.  
  
Awkwardly he cleared his throat. "There's not really ... anything  
... to talk about."  
  
"Yeah, there is." Cat licked the crumbs off her thumb and  
dropped her plate onto the table. "We've got to clear the air."  
  
Ben started to protest, but Cat held up her hand to stop him. "You  
left here in a rush after I told you about Lloyd and it took months of  
phone calls and letters before I felt like I was even getting through  
to you."  
  
He swallowed hard and managed what he knew to be a feeble answer. "But  
that's ... all past."  
  
"We're communicating, yes, and you're here now, just like old times.  
But something is missing."  
  
Ben said nothing. He hefted Sheila off his lap and leaned forward, resting  
his forearms on his knees, hands hanging limply.  
  
Cat waited. She knew his moods and reactions almost as well as her own  
and she knew he would speak when he was ready.  
  
"I would have married you." Ben said eventually, in a low  
voice. "I wanted to."  
  
"I know," Cat answered, sliding a gentle hand down the curve  
of his back. "And another time I would have accepted."  
  
Sitting upright, Ben cast a quizzical glance her way. "You would?"  
  
She nodded. "It's not that I don't love you, Ben. We could have  
been happy together."  
  
Ben turned sideways on the sofa and stared at Cat.  
  
"But once I met Lloyd, I knew it would never be the right thing  
for us. Surely you know that, too?"  
  
Fearing he knew the turn the conversation was taking; he turned away  
and moved to the edge of his seat.  
  
"Don't, Cat..." he said in a voice that spoke of old pain.  
  
Copying his pose, Cat leaned down so that their heads were level. "How  
can I not, Ben?" When no answer came she took a deep breath and  
spoke from the heart. "I know what you feel for her. I always  
 **thought** I knew what you felt for her, but now, well now I **really**  
know what you feel for her and....," she tilted her head to look  
at her friend, "I don't know how you can bear to be without her."  
  
Unable to sit still any longer, Ben flowed from his seat, grimacing at  
the pain caused by the too sudden movement. "I thought you said  
you didn't want to talk about her with me?" His words were angry,  
but lacked depth. He walked towards the verandah doors, staring out  
across the gardens.  
  
"Do you mean, **Phil**?" Cat rose to her feet and followed  
Ben. "She has a name and it's OK to say it."  
  
He turned to face her, mouth agape. Becka had said almost the same thing  
to him little more than 24 hours earlier. He struggled to find something  
to say, but nothing sensible came to mind. He turned away from Cat's  
knowing gaze and stepped onto the verandah, lowering himself into the  
wicker chair that had seen better days.  
  
Cat was right behind him, settling on the verandah beside Diefenbaker  
and Bella. "OK, I accept you don't want to talk about Phil,"  
she acknowledged, stroking the snoozing wolf. "But accept that  
I know what's in your heart and that I know you will have to deal with  
it some day."  
  
"I thought this conversation was about you and me?" Ben said,  
unable to stop a note of petulance creeping into his voice. For a moment  
he wondered why he had come to Canada.  
  
Cat's hand stilled in Dief's fur. She swallowed once and took a deep  
breath before looking up to meet Ben's eyes. For a moment she wondered  
if he showed this side of his nature to anyone else. Had Phil ever seen  
him pouting like a spoilt child? Smiling inwardly, she filed the moment  
away to use later as an example of reminding Ben about his home. Where  
else could he act like this and get away with it?  
  
"Yes, Ben, this conversation is about you and me, but it's difficult  
to ignore Phil's part in our lives." She waited while Ben fiddled  
intently with the loose rattan edging on the chair and when he looked  
up at her she continued. "I think you proposed to me, that you  
convinced yourself we were meant to be together just as a way of ignoring  
what's going on in your heart."  
  
"There's nothing going on in my heart, Cat. I wish you would stop  
this insistence that Phil McKenzie and I have a future." He looked  
away from Cat and off into the distance, his eyes eventually settling  
on the bed of columbines, still in bloom. "I'm concerned about  
our friendship and all you want to talk about is my love life."  
  
"Our relationship was never in any danger, at least not from me."  
Her voice grew low and angry. "My feelings have never changed."  
  
Ben stared, surprised by the vehemence in Cat's voice. He knew his friend  
cared for him, no matter what he did and he felt suddenly ashamed. Dropping  
his head he continued fiddling with the loose rattan.  
  
"The only danger to our relationship comes from whatever is going  
on in your head, Ben." Cat continued, knowing that he would not  
respond. "And that involves Phil McKenzie, whether you admit it  
or not."  
  
Still fidgeting with the worn edge of the chair, Ben absorbed Cat's assertion,  
making no move to confirm or deny what she told him. He knew her well  
enough to know that once she had made up her mind about something there  
would be no changing it. He also knew her legendary sixth sense would  
see beyond his words and anything he said would be a waste of breath.  
  
Long, silent minutes came and went. In the time that passed, the shadows  
they cast on the verandah lengthened and the dusk slipped around them,  
enveloping them in its magic. As mealtime approached, the animals stirred  
and began to demand food, so Cat rose quietly and headed for the kitchen  
with a posse of four legged furballs behind her, leaving Ben alone on  
the verandah to absorb her words.  
  
Sitting in the gathering darkness, Ben listened to the sounds emanating  
from the kitchen as Cat fed her collection of animals. Naturally, Diefenbaker  
had abandoned his company for the prospect of a meal and was in the kitchen  
amongst the other creatures, whatever they might be.  
  
With a start, it occurred to him that he hadn't even asked Cat about  
her wildlife caring. As if on cue, he heard the high speed whirr of  
the food processor and it gave him an indication as to the animals she  
had in care. It seemed Cat had the usual mix of migratory birds and  
small furry things that had met disaster in their travels. _She cares  
more for those animals than me_, Ben told himself sulkily, wondering  
anew why he had come.  
  
Cat's soft voice drifted to where he sat, one moment gentling the nervous  
wild creatures and the next scolding Dief and the cats for not sharing.  
Her voice was tender and full of love, even when she pretended to be  
angry at the cats. He felt left out.  
  
He shook his head as he remembered his thoughts from earlier that day.  
 _It's true. I'm not part of this._ A bitter laugh escaped his  
lips and a pang of jealousy and self-pity shot through him. _Even  
here, in the place Cat tells me is my home; I'm on the outskirts._  
After all the things he had shared with Cat he even felt on the outskirts  
of her life.  
  
Suddenly restless, he pushed himself from the chair and wandered back  
into the house. As though drawn by some magical force, he found himself  
crossing the room to stand at the foot of the stairs. As he gazed at  
Cat's collection of photos he realised there were several new ones.   
Walking up three steps, he quickly scanned the additions, his eyes finally  
coming to rest on a photo of Phil and the McKenzie clan, seemingly taken  
at Christmas.  
  
With Phil were TJ and Rob and a woman and two children he guessed to  
be Rob's family. _I could have been there,_ he told himself. Sadly,  
he knew, this was another happy event he would never be a part of.   
Another life he was on the outskirts of.  
  
A loud miaow from Bella and a muttered curse as she tripped over the  
feline signalled Cat's exit from the kitchen. Ben recognised the soft  
step of Diefenbaker on the moss green carpet behind him and leaned down  
to stroke his companion as he joined him on the step. Without looking,  
he knew Cat was there too.  
  
"Ben?" Her voice came from the foot of the stairs.  
  
Ben indicated the wall. "You've added quite a few pictures since  
I was here last."  
  
Cat joined Ben on the third step. "Well, there's been lots going  
on that I want to record."  
  
Ben thought for a moment and then indicated the picture he had been inspecting  
before Cat's arrival.  
  
"So this is Rob's family?"  
  
"Yeah," she confirmed, stepping around Ben to switch on the  
wall light. "Beth is a lovely woman and their kids are great."  
  
Leaning forward, he looked at the picture more closely in the soft light  
and frowned. "She seems familiar."  
  
Cat went cold. It never occurred to her that Ben might realise that  
Beth looked a lot like Casey. She had to think fast. "Maybe you've  
seen her around the hospital?"  
  
"Perhaps."  
  
His voice told her that it was not a pressing issue in Ben's mind and  
so she let it slide. She watched helplessly as his eyes returned to  
the photo of Phil and her family.  
  
"Are you hungry?" Cat asked. "I've made something...."  
  
Dragging his attention away from Phil's picture he turned to his friend.  
"I had a snack on the plane, but I could eat a little."  
  
"Good," she smiled at him. "I put together an antipasto  
plate. We can sit on the verandah and nibble." Cat skipped down  
the stairs and headed toward the kitchen once more.  
  
" **Antipasto** plate?" The photo of Phil's family forgotten,  
Ben followed Cat, intrigued by this new addition to her vocabulary.   
"Since when do you use words like that?" A smile touched his  
lips. "It seems that Ray has influenced you more than I realised."  
  
By the time he caught up with her, Cat was pulling a platter from the  
fridge and piling plates and cutlery onto a tray.  
  
She glanced at Ben with a cheeky smile. "So you think Ray is the  
only Italian I know?"  
  
He rolled his eyes as she handed him the tray. "I see falling in  
love has done nothing to change you," he teased as he walked from  
the kitchen.  
  
Behind him, Cat's laughter rang freely in the warm evening air. Much  
to his surprise, Ben found himself smiling contentedly. For the moment,  
at least, his self-pity was forgotten and things were as they always  
had been. For the moment, at least, nothing had changed.  
  
  
The small meal they shared on the verandah filled Ben's heart with something  
close to happiness as he and Cat laughed and teased each other as always.  
They drifted into the kitchen to clean up after and then drifted back  
to the verandah with mugs of tea in hand. Still chatting and sipping  
tea, they drifted down into the garden where Cat plucked a few ripe vegetables  
as they walked.  
  
When it was time for bed, Ben's relative peace was suddenly shattered.  
He had always shared Cat's bed and now he did not feel that he should.  
Suddenly terrified, he headed up the stairs, not bothering to argue with  
Cat about who would carry his pack.  
  
At the top of the stairs Ben turned towards the guestroom and faltered.  
' _Should I say something?'_ he wondered as he heard Cat's footfall  
on the steps behind him as she struggled under the weight of his pack.  
He turned to her as she reached the top step.  
  
"I, ah, I'll..." He gestured meekly towards the guestroom,  
in an attempt to make his intentions known.  
  
Cat dropped the pack on the landing and folded her arms over her chest,  
cocking her head to one side, a smile pulling at her lips. She loved  
it when Ben got flustered like this.  
  
"You know, Ben, you and I have shared beds for years without having  
sex."  
  
His gaze dropped instantly to the floor, all too aware of the flush creeping  
up his cheeks. He cursed Cat's bluntness and he cursed himself for being  
so easily embarrassed. Stuttering, he formulated his reply.  
  
"B...b...but you were never involved with anyone."  
  
Cat laughed delightedly. "Course I was! And don't forget you were  
engaged to Phil."  
  
He fixed her with a no nonsense stare. "This is different now,  
Cat."  
  
Touched by his concern, she closed the space between them and spoke in  
a tender voice. "Look, I'm not trying to convince you, Ben and  
I certainly don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just want you to  
know that nothing has changed."  
  
He nodded and gave a small smile. "Understood. Thank you."  
  
Cat lifted her hand and brushed it gently across Ben's shoulder. "I'm  
glad you came."  
  
"Me too."  
  
He let Cat drag his pack and deposit it inside the guestroom, then they  
bade each other goodnight and turned to their respective rooms.  
  
Outside in the hallway, Diefenbaker wavered, undecided as to which room  
he should sleep in. The deciding factor was Sheila pushing past him  
and heading into the guestroom to sleep with Ben. With a snort of disgust,  
Dief turned and stalked to the bedroom opposite. There would be much  
more room on the Cat Woman's bed anyway.  
  
It wasn't until much later, after he had cleaned his teeth and completed  
the exercises set by Rob McKenzie that Ben noticed Cat's addition to  
the guestroom. On the chest beside the bed sat a tall, slender black  
vase filled with columbines and sprigs of lavender. She had known all  
along he would sleep in the guestroom. When he slid between the cool  
sheets he was smiling.  
  
  
The scent of lavender drifted to him on the breeze, arousing his senses  
and making his heart beat faster. Opening his eyes, Ben looked around,  
trying to figure out where he was and how he had gotten there. How had  
he come to be standing in a freshly turned field, one that looked ready  
for planting? Before he could think any further, a deep rumbling sound  
began in the distance. Cocking his head to one side Ben listened, trying  
to determine what the sound might be. The sound grew louder, as if it  
travelled towards him at great speed.  
  
Suddenly, Ben found himself standing on the edge of a great swirling  
whirlpool. He took a step backwards, away from the circular pull of  
water, glancing down as an occasional splash touched his boots. A cry  
rang out from the centre of the whirlpool and his head snapped up, his  
keen eyes catching sight of a dark head disappearing beneath the waves.  
It was a woman.  
  
It was Phil.  
  
Heart in his throat, Ben dove into the swirling waters and began to swim  
towards Phil. As the waves rose and fell he could see her slip beneath  
the water and re-emerge a moment later, still calling for help. But  
no matter how hard he swam he could never reach her. The force of the  
water continually drove him back to the edge of the whirlpool.  
  
He screamed out in a confusion of anger and panic as he watched Phil  
disappear under water once again. He renewed his efforts to reach her  
to no avail. Suddenly Phil's cries ceased and he saw a dark-haired man  
swimming towards her.  
  
As Ben watched from the edge of the whirlpool, Phil slipped into the  
other man's arms and he rose above the water, carrying her to safety.  
He called out to Phil and the man to stop, but they continued to move  
away from him. He continued to call until the pair disappeared from  
sight.  
  
  
The first anguished cry dragged Cat from a deep sleep. She stirred,  
flipping over onto her back in irritation at being awakened from a good  
dream. Was it Ben? She waited a moment for another cry, but when none  
came she let sleep drag her under again.  
  
When Ben called out again she was instantly awake. When he called a  
third time she disentangled herself from the pile of sleeping animals  
and dashed across the hall to check on her friend. Briefly she wondered  
if her guestroom was haunted. Only a few weeks earlier she had made  
a similar trip across the hall to rouse Becka from a nightmare. Sparing  
a quick thought for the strangely absent Bob Fraser, she realised the  
Frasers had enough of their own ghosts without being bothered by any  
others that might live in her home.  
  
Ben was awake by the time Cat joined him in the guestroom.  
  
"Did I wake you?" he asked as she approached.  
  
She nodded, dropping to her knees and resting her elbows on the foot  
of the bed.  
  
"You OK?"  
  
"Yes, I'm fine. Just a bad dream." He ran a hand through  
his hair and tried to look calm, pleased that the light was dim and Cat  
could not see his eyes.  
  
Cat chuckled softly. "You crazy Frasers are going to drive me batty.  
Becka had some bad nightmares when she was here. I'm beginning to think  
it's my house."  
  
He smiled down the bed at her and sat up, pulling his knees to his chest  
as a resigned look crossed his face.  
  
"Becka wouldn't talk to me about the Soldiers."  
  
"We just have to help her put it behind her now."  
  
Ben nodded agreement, not noticing Cat's deft sidestep of his attempted  
diversion of her attention.  
  
"But what about you? Do you have a lot of bad dreams?"  
  
His shrug was barely visible in the dim moonlight. "Not really."  
He didn't want to talk to Cat about his dreams. He knew it would take  
no time for her to wheedle the truth from him.  
  
Narrowing her eyes in suspicion, Cat said, "Anything you want to  
talk about?"  
  
He shook his head and swung his legs over the side of the bed.  
  
She sighed and rested her forehead on the foot of the bed. "I'm  
not trying to pry, I just want to make sure you're OK."  
  
"I'm fine." He leaned over and patted the top of her head.  
"I'm going to make some chamomile tea. Would you like some?"  
  
Without waiting for her answer, he headed out the door and down the stairs  
to the kitchen. Cat watched him go and sighed. Although the urge to  
go back to bed was strong, she dragged herself to her feet and followed  
him to the kitchen. _That's what family is about_ , she told herself  
as she made her way through the dark house.  
  
  
Ben dragged a kitchen chair close to the window and sat down, staring  
silently at the evening primrose in bloom outside the window, its scent  
drifting to where he sat. He sipped at his tea, the steam curling around  
his face as Cat joined him, pulling a chair beside his and propping her  
feet on the windowsill.  
  
"This is good tea."  
  
Cat sipped at hers and grunted in agreement. "Sara Sunsinger's  
home grown chamomile flowers. I'll give you some to take back to Chicago."  
Sara knew Ben favoured chamomile and often delivered a pack to Cat if  
she knew he would be in town.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
They fell silent, each lost in their own thoughts. Eventually Ben spoke,  
but what motivated the words that fell from his lips he could not say.  
  
"I was dreaming about Phil."  
  
Cat almost choked on her tea and for a second wondered if Sara had added  
something else to the mix. After Ben's vehement denial of feelings for  
Phil McKenzie earlier in the evening, this was the last thing she expected  
to hear from him.  
  
"Phil?" she managed to squeak out.  
  
"She was in a whirlpool and I tried to reach her. She kept dropping  
below the surface and I thought she would drown. I tried to get to her  
but the current kept throwing me back to the edge of the water."  
He stopped, staring into the shadows outside the window, remembering  
his thoughts from earlier in the day - thoughts of how he was on the  
outskirts of other people's lives. It seemed his dream confirmed his  
own fears.  
  
"And what happened?"  
  
Sipping at his tea, Ben wondered about what had happened next. What  
did it really mean?  
  
"Phil was calling out and then she stopped suddenly. I thought  
she had drowned, but then I saw a man swimming through the water to get  
to her. He picked her up and carried her away."  
  
Cat turned, inspecting Ben's perfect profile in the pale moonlight.   
His expression was unreadable. Dropping her eyes, she fiddled with her  
mug and then set it down on the windowsill.  
  
"There's something I should tell you, Ben."  
  
Alarmed, he snapped his head around to look at her. "What?"  
  
"Phil is involved with someone. She says she's going to marry him."  
  
A million thoughts ran through Ben's mind but one continued to return,  
taunting him. _I've missed my chance._  
  
"Is ... is she ... happy?"  
  
Cat swivelled on her seat and planted her feet on the rung of Ben's chair,  
leaning towards him.  
  
"She tells me she is."  
  
"I see."  
  
"You could stop her, Ben."  
  
He shook his head quickly. "No. No. You say you gave her my address  
at Christmas and she's made no attempt to contact me. I assume that  
means she has found happiness with this ... other man."  
  
Ben's reaction was exactly as Cat expected. There was no point pushing  
him any further. All she could do was plant the seed.  
  
"I just thought you should know."  
  
Ben nodded, then quickly swallowed the last of his tea. Rising hurriedly,  
he crossed the room and tidied away the tea making things, trying hard  
not to think about Phil.  
  
After a momentary hesitation, Cat pushed the chairs back under the kitchen  
table and waited for Ben to finish. Just before they left the kitchen,  
he turned and fixed Cat with an intense stare.  
  
"Does he treat her well?"  
  
Cat thought about all she had heard about Martin. By all accounts he  
loved Phil deeply. "I believe so."  
  
Ben nodded then turned on his heel, walking slowly towards the staircase.  
Cat sighed and followed him. Neither of them slept well that night.  
  
  
The two days that followed were relatively calm. When Ben did not ask  
further about Phil, Cat didn't push it. They had their own healing to  
do. Cat was not so silent about Ray and Casey, giving Ben all sorts  
of reasons why he should push Ray towards his love. Nor was she silent  
about Becka, grilling Ben mercilessly about her visit to Chicago and  
making threatening noises when she learned of the things the young Fraser  
woman had neglected to mention.  
  
Their time was filled with more than talk. They were able to release  
many of Cat's animals, returning them to nests and burrows around Cat's  
property. A few animals arrived, injured by vacationers driving through  
the area and Ben cared for them using skills Cat had taught him.  
  
Together they drove out to the reservation where the Sunsinger family  
lived. Ben was finally able to thank Sara for the dreamcatcher Cat had  
given him at Christmas. He was surprised to see Cat slip effortlessly  
into near perfect Cree with the locals. He knew she spoke enough to  
communicate when necessary, but it seemed she had learned a great deal  
more than he realised. It had to be Lloyd's influence. For the briefest  
moment he felt sad. In the past Cat had always shared her new experiences  
with him. He watched her with renewed interest, pushing to the back  
of his mind any thoughts that he was left out of a new part of Cat's  
life.  
  
Much of their time was spent outdoors. Diefenbaker enjoyed the opportunity  
to frolic in the woods, tracking strange smells and digging in the undergrowth.  
Although Ben's back injury and fractured ribs made canoeing an uncomfortable  
prospect, they drove to the lake both days and picnicked on the banks,  
enjoying being together in a way they had both feared they never would  
again. During these moments neither Phil nor Lloyd was mentioned.  
  
Cat couldn't stretch her mini vacation too long. She had imposed on  
the goodwill of her colleagues to get three extra days off to be with  
Ben, but she had to return to work. The night before she returned to  
work was to be their final night alone before Lloyd arrived. They ate  
in town, dining at a small but elegant restaurant they favoured. Cat  
drank a little too much wine and Ben insisted on driving home, much to  
his discomfort. As he bade a tipsy Cat good night, he laughed out loud,  
realising that he, too, felt a little drunk. His happiness at regaining  
his closeness with Cat had set his head spinning. He slept deeply that  
night, undisturbed by dreams.  
  
  
  
"Lloyd's plane arrives at 6," Cat told Ben over breakfast the  
next morning. "I'll stay in town after work to wait."  
  
He nodded into his cornflakes. "It would be a waste of time to  
drive all the way home and then back again."  
  
"Will you be OK?"  
  
"Yes, of course."  
  
"I mean, you'll be here all day with no transport. I can have one  
of the guys stop by if you need something."  
  
"I won't have you using RCMP staff to run errands for me, Cat,"  
he admonished her.  
  
Cat shrugged. Ben's reaction was typical. "But you'll call me  
if you need anything?"  
  
"Of course." He rose and rinsed his bowl at the sink. "Do  
you want me to release the raven today?"  
  
"No, I thought I'd ask Lloyd to do it tomorrow."  
  
Ben's face fell and he turned away to hide his hurt, feeling pushed to  
the outskirts of yet another part of his life. The closeness of the  
past few days disappeared.  
  
Observant as ever, Cat saw Ben's look of pain and was quick to back pedal.  
  
"I don't mean that I don't want you to do it, Ben. It's just that  
I don't want you heading out into the woods alone with your back and  
ribs the way they are. If anything happened, well, I don't know what  
I would do."  
  
"You're right." He pushed away his hurt, aware that Cat was  
looking out for his best interests, as always. When he turned to her,  
his smile was back in place. "But you will let me cook dinner tonight?"  
  
Cat's heart melted. "That would be great." She smiled warmly,  
her heart full of love for her friend that he would do this for her.  
  
  
Ben waited restlessly for Cat and Lloyd to arrive home. He had spent  
several hours preparing what he hoped was a good menu; fresh tomato soup  
made from Cat's own tomatoes followed by lasagne from a recipe Silvia  
Vecchio had given him. He was tossing a salad of fresh leaves from Cat's  
garden when he heard her jeep at the end of the drive just after 7pm.  
  
He waited until he heard the engine stop then dashed into the living  
room, straightened his clothes, ran a nervous hand through his hair and  
waited. Scant seconds later, the front door opened and Cat and Lloyd  
stepped into the room, depositing his pack just inside the door.  
  
"Hi, Ben," Cat said as she hurried into the room, glancing  
over her shoulder at Lloyd who remained a discreet distance behind her.  
  
Ben tried to look relaxed as the pair approached, but the most relaxed  
he could manage was parade rest. He cast his eyes over Cat's lover as  
he stood smiling behind her.  
  
Turning to Ben, she squeezed his hand quickly. "Ben, this is Lloyd  
Hope." She turned again to the man behind her. "Lloyd, this  
is my oldest and dearest friend, Ben Fraser."  
  
Lloyd smiled and extended his hand. "Hello, Ben. It's great to  
finally meet you. Cathy has told me so much about you." _And  
so has Phil_, he added silently, determined not to let his protectiveness  
of Phil colour his opinion of the man in front of him.  
  
Ben returned the smile and shook Lloyd's proffered hand. "Hello,  
Lloyd. I, too, have heard a great deal about you."  
  
Ben noted with satisfaction that Lloyd's handshake was firm and he met  
his gaze with confidence. Quickly he assessed the man in front of him.  
Similar in height, Lloyd was broad-shouldered and barrel chested, filling  
well his white t-shirt and blue jeans. His long black hair was loose,  
falling over his shoulders and down his back. The look he gave Cat was  
warm and loving and Ben found himself oddly comforted by it.  
  
Cat's heart skipped a beat as she watched the two great loves of her  
life finally come face to face. At last she could let go of the trepidation  
she had felt ever since Ben's fateful visit the previous January. She  
knew they would get on fine.  
  
Diefenbaker emerged suddenly from whatever pressing task he had been  
attending to in the garden. He trotted directly to Lloyd and stood in  
front of him, blatantly assessing the man.  
  
 _"So this is the man the cats told me about"_ , Dief thought  
to himself. _"This is the Forest Man."_  
  
"Diefenbaker!" Ben made an embarrassed noise. "Please  
excuse Dief's rudeness, Lloyd. He's very ... territorial." He  
ran a thumb over his eyebrow. "He seems to think that this is his  
house ..."  
  
"It's OK." Lloyd dropped into a squat in front of Dief, meeting  
the animal at his own level.  
  
Something passed between them, unnoticed by Ben or Cat. Dief sat back  
on his haunches as Lloyd brought one hand up to ruffle the fur at his  
neck and the wolf launched forward and licked his face. Lloyd laughed  
and rose again.  
  
"Seems Dief likes you," Cat told Lloyd, gesturing both men  
into the living room.  
  
  
After a brief debate about who would carry it, Lloyd took his pack up  
to Cat's bedroom, leaving Cat and Ben alone.  
  
"You OK?"  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Does this freak you out?"  
  
"No, Cat, it doesn't. Really, I'm fine."  
  
Before any further discussion could be had, Lloyd reappeared, joining  
them in the living room.  
  
"So how are you feeling, Ben?" Lloyd smiled at Ben as he sat  
down. "I hear you've had some pretty bad injuries."  
  
"I'm OK," Ben said, trying not to grimace as he lowered himself  
to the sofa. "The explosion I was caught in recently aggravated  
an older injury, but my doctor is confident that a little rest will ease  
the swelling and I'll be back at work in no time."  
  
"Jumping off buildings and chasing cars on foot? I don't think  
so, Ben," Cat teased him as she perched on the arm of the sofa next  
to Lloyd.  
  
"Cat, you know I rarely do those things," he protested, suddenly  
embarrassed.  
  
"Don't believe a word he says, Lloyd. You're talking to Super Mountie,  
here."  
  
"Cat...."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Cat grinned, ruffling Ben's hair as she moved  
off towards the kitchen. "I'll get something to drink."  
  
"Can I help?" both men asked at once.  
  
Cat's laughter rang out from the kitchen. "It's just drinks for  
gods sakes. I think I can manage. Besides, you cooked, Ben."  
  
  
Surprised and impressed by Ben's menu selection, Cat complimented him  
several times during the meal. Lloyd ate heartily, telling Ben that  
his own cooking was a lot more rudimentary and the only time he ate this  
well was in Cathy's house. Ben surprised Cat further by making a joke  
about how he had taught Cat everything she knew about cooking. Cat countered  
that with a story about the sort of food Ben cooked himself when they  
first met and the disastrous meals he had attempted to serve. They were  
laughing like old friends by the end of the meal.  
  
The trio had coffee on the verandah, then Cat drifted back to the kitchen  
in search of dessert, leaving Ben and Lloyd alone. Lloyd had brought  
a pair of hammocks with him and he and Ben set about putting them up.  
The project was abandoned after setting up only one when Cat reappeared  
with a platter of fresh fruit and a bowl of brandy custard she had whipped  
up while the two men worked. It was a perfect end to their meal.  
  
"He's not like I imagined," Lloyd told Cat much later as he  
watched Ben through the living room window.  
  
Ben had volunteered to take the scraps to the compost heap, but had stopped  
in front of the bed of columbines, motionless in the cool evening air.  
  
"Oh?" Cat joined her lover, slipping one arm around his waist  
as she, too, watched Ben as he stared at the flowers.  
  
"I'm not sure what I expected, but after what Phil told me and knowing  
your history with Ben ... well I guess I was expecting him to be ...  
I don't know what I expected him to be." He thought for a moment.  
"Now that I've met him, I find it even harder to believe that he  
would leave Phil for a thief."  
  
The bluntness of Lloyd's words startled Cat and it was a few seconds  
before she spoke. "Well, you know the story. His obsession with  
Victoria was something I could never understand. But he knows he made  
a mistake and he regrets it to this day."  
  
"But I still can't reconcile that this gentle guy is the same man  
..." His voice trailed off.  
  
"I think the term 'still waters run deep' was coined for Ben."  
  
Lloyd said nothing. He pulled Cat around and back against his chest,  
wrapping strong arms around her. He kissed the top of her head as they  
both continued to watch Ben.  
  
"I don't know what's so fascinating about that garden bed,"  
Cat said a little later. "Ever since he put it in, he can't keep  
away from it."  
  
Amused and surprised, Lloyd asked, "Ben planted the columbines?"  
  
"Yeah. He worked his butt off for a week building the bed from  
scratch. You know, he wouldn't tell me what he planted and I waited  
for weeks for a crop of amazing vegetables to spring up. But it just  
turned out to be columbines. And he used all my goddamn compost."  
  
She felt the rumble of Lloyd's laughter before he spoke.  
  
"So I guess you don't know, then?"  
  
"Know what?"  
  
"Columbines are Phil's favourite flower."  
  
Cat remembered Ben's fevered expression as he worked on the bed the spring  
before last. He worked from sun up for a week sawing old logs to build  
the edges, ferrying wheelbarrows of soil, installing a watering system  
and finally mulching with the compost Cat had been saving for her vegetable  
garden. It all made sense now.  
  
"Well, I'll be...."  
  
  
When Cat and Lloyd announced they were going to bed, Ben said he would  
stay up for a while to read. After bidding them goodnight, he watched  
them climb the stairs and disappear into Cat's bedroom. Instead of reading,  
he paced, drifting from one part of the house to the other. He even  
wandered into the television room, a good-sized room off the living room  
that had once served as Cat's mother's office. Now it housed the television  
and an old leather sofa her father had bought at a garage sale. With  
neither Ben nor Cat being big television watchers, it was used most when  
Becka visited.  
  
Settling on the sofa, he pressed the remote control and flipped through  
a few channels. A few minutes later Diefenbaker sought him out, sitting  
at his feet and staring up at him.  
  
"I'm watching television, Dief, if that's OK with you."  
  
 _"Yeah,"_ snorted Dief. _"You're a big television  
fan."_  
  
When Dief's disapproving glare became too much, he switched the set off  
and left the room. After making sure everything was secure, Ben headed  
up the stairs to his room. Dief flew past him on the stairs and came  
to a halt outside Cat's closed door.  
  
"No, Dief," he whispered to the wolf. "You can't go in  
there."  
  
Dief whined and shifted restlessly. Ben looked towards the door, desperately  
hoping that they would not disturb the couple inside. For a moment he  
stared at the door, realising that this would be the first night he had  
spent in Cat's house while another man shared her bed. Strange thoughts  
filled his head as he watched the yellow painted panel in front of him.  
He could imagine only too well the scene playing out behind it.  
  
Shocked at his own thoughts he turned towards his room, gesturing for  
Dief to follow. He took one step and was suddenly halted by sounds from  
the other side of the door. Lloyd's voice carried to him, its tone low  
so that he could not make out the words. The low, delighted laugh that  
Cat gave hinted at the meaning more effectively than hearing the words  
themselves. A hot flush ran through his body as he remembered the many  
nights that same delighted laugh had been directed at him. Without waiting  
for Dief to follow, he rushed to his room and closed the door behind  
him.  
  
Later as he lay on top of his bed with the cool evening breeze feathering  
across his fevered skin, it wasn't Cat he thought about. The woman he  
thought about as he stroked himself to a bittersweet release was tall,  
with dark eyes and a crooked smile.  
  
His eyes filled with tears and his heart with sadness as he realised  
this might be as close to life as he was going to get - listening to  
the sounds of love from behind closed doors and fantasising about a woman  
who was unattainable. Now, more than ever, he felt himself to be on  
the outskirts.  
  
  
Running uncharacteristically late for work the next morning, Cat hopped  
on one foot trying to force her boot onto her other foot. She held a  
cold piece of toast between her teeth that dripped honey onto the slate  
floor of the front entry. She was testifying at a court case that afternoon  
and was keen to get to the office and review her notes.  
  
"Ben, when Lloyd gets back can you pull out the maps and show him  
where the nesting site is?" Cat called to the two men who were  
breakfasting on the verandah.  
  
"Why don't I show you where it is?" Ben looked over at Lloyd.  
"If you don't know the way it's easy to miss it."  
  
"Thanks for the offer, but I don't think you should be climbing  
around the woods with your injuries."  
  
"Nonsense. It's only a short way into the woods and I've been there  
many times over the years."  
  
Ben looked over at Cat who had managed to get her boot on and was busy  
smearing the honey across the floor. He would take care of it later.  
He hoped she hadn't heard the offer he made to Lloyd.  
  
"Well, it would be quicker," Lloyd agreed. "I don't know  
these woods at all."  
  
"Oh shit, I'm really late." Cat's agitation carried to the  
two men.  
  
Lloyd swallowed the last of his cereal. "OK, I'm coming."  
  
He dashed to the door where Cat waited impatiently. He would drive her  
to work and then return with her jeep so that he could release the raven.  
  
"See you tonight, Ben," Cat called, dragging Lloyd out the  
front door. "And make sure Lloyd puts the other hammock up."  
  
  
Cat kissed Lloyd soundly and stepped out of the jeep. He slid over into  
the driver's seat and she leaned against the door, smiling up at him.  
  
"I'm sorry I can't stay home with you today," she told her  
lover.  
  
"It's OK. We've got things to keep us busy." He stroked her  
cheek affectionately. "I'll release the bird and then I'll put  
the hammock up."  
  
"I think there are beans to pick."  
  
"I'll pick the beans."  
  
"And watch out for Ben."  
  
"I'll watch out for Ben."  
  
"Good."  
  
She raised up on her toes and kissed Lloyd a final time and then watched  
as he drove off back to Riverhurst. She suppressed a shiver as she watched  
her jeep disappear down the street. Everything was fine.  
  
  
Ben led the way into the woods. Behind him Lloyd followed carefully  
carrying a small cardboard box with the raven tucked into a makeshift  
nest. Diefenbaker had disappeared as soon as they got out of the jeep.  
  
Once they reached the gully, Ben quickly found the way down with Lloyd  
hot on his heels. They travelled in silence for a few minutes until  
Ben stopped and pointed out a large tree.  
  
"That tree is the main nesting site. In the past we've placed the  
nest at the bottom and waited until the call of the young bird brings  
out the mothers, who then coax the juvenile back up the tree."  
  
"I don't hear any ravens. Do you?"  
  
Ben listened. "No. But that's not unusual. The other option that  
Cat often prefers is to climb up and place the nest in the tree."  
  
Lloyd looked at the box. "I think that's a better idea. I don't  
want to leave it on the ground for a fox to take."  
  
"I agree."  
  
"I'll climb up and you hand me the bird."  
  
Ben nodded and they made their way to the base of the tree. An agile  
woodsman, Lloyd quickly shinnied up the tree and leaned down while Ben  
passed the box to him.  
  
"Can you reach the branch to your left?" Ben asked, pointing  
to a large branch just above Lloyd's head. It was wide enough to take  
the nest and the angle at which it grew meant it could be wedged hard  
against the trunk and not fall.  
  
"Yeah, that looks like the best place." Lloyd wedged the box  
between his body and the trunk of the tree, holding on with his left  
hand whilst he used his right to remove the nest and bird from inside.  
"Watch out, Ben, I'm going to let the box drop."  
  
He moved his body away and the cardboard container dropped through the  
branches. Still holding on with his left hand, he tried to reach the  
branch, but found he could not quite make it. He would need to use his  
left hand.  
  
Letting go of the trunk, Lloyd shifted the nest to his left hand bracing  
his feet against the branch underneath him.  
  
"Be careful, Lloyd," Ben called from the foot of the tree.  
  
"I'm OK."  
  
In order to reach the required limb, Lloyd extended his left arm as far  
as it would go, clutching the only thing he could reach with his right:  
a thin branch that would not hold his weight if he slipped. He need  
not have worried about slipping, the branch gave way on it's own and  
he had just enough time to deposit the nest in its crag before crashing  
through the branches to the ground.  
  
The only warning that Ben got was a muffled 'oh shit' and a shower of  
twigs and leaves before Lloyd hit him and they fell in a heap on the  
ground. In the quiet that followed, Ben quickly assessed the situation.  
Although in pain, it appeared he had done no further damage to his previous  
injuries. But what about Lloyd?  
  
"Lloyd?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm OK."  
  
Ben struggled to a sitting position, his face pinched in pain as his  
ribs protested at the movement. Lloyd still lay flat on his back on  
the grass. His blue cotton shirt was torn at the right shoulder and  
a large gash on his upper arm bled profusely.  
  
"You're bleeding badly."  
  
Turning his head to check his arm, Lloyd grimaced. "Fuck. This  
is my favourite shirt."  
  
Ben knew Lloyd's reaction was not what it should be. He was sure the  
other man was concussed or at the very least in shock. When he tried  
to sit up, Ben stopped him.  
  
"Let me check to make sure you haven't broken anything."  
  
"I'm fine," he protested, but lay still while Ben ran efficient  
hands over his body.  
  
"Nothing seems to be broken. Can you sit up?"  
  
"Is the bird OK?"  
  
"I didn't see the nest fall."  
  
"Good." Lloyd sat up, pulling ineffectually at the tear in  
his shirt.  
  
Ben pulled a clean, folded handkerchief from his pocket and pressed it  
to Lloyd's arm. "I think we should get you to the hospital. This  
wound looks like it needs stitches."  
  
"I hit a broken branch on the way down." He let Ben lift his  
hand and place it over the makeshift dressing, holding the handkerchief  
firm.  
  
"Make sure you keep the pressure on. Can you stand?"  
  
"Yes, yes." He rose unsteadily. "Is the bird OK?"  
  
"Yes," Ben answered, suddenly filled with concern at the repeated  
question. If anything happened to Lloyd Cat would never forgive him.  
  
Ben tried to stand, but his left ankle buckled beneath him.  
  
"Oh god!" he cried out, suddenly acutely aware how inadequate  
his cursing vocabulary was and why Ray and Cat did it so often.  
  
Lloyd was there to catch him, dropping his makeshift dressing as he did.  
  
"Your arm!"  
  
"Whoa, this is going to be one interesting walk to the jeep,"  
Lloyd said as he bent to retrieve Ben's handkerchief at the same time  
holding the other man up.  
  
With Ben resting a hand on Lloyd's left shoulder and Lloyd using his  
left hand to hold the handkerchief in place they managed to struggle  
out of the woods to where they had parked Cat's jeep. In one almost  
hysterical moment, Ben recalled the time Ray had carried him through  
the forest and it gave him a sudden urge to burst into song, but the  
only song that came inexplicably to mind was 'Do You Think I'm Sexy'.  
By the time they reached the car, Ben wondered if he, too, was concussed.  
He called to Dief, who emerged from the woods to the east looking sheepish,  
and then drove to the hospital.  
  
  
"You're lucky you didn't break your neck," the young nurse  
told Lloyd as he led the two men to a small examination room in the Emergency  
Ward.  
  
He chuckled slightly. "I landed on my friend here. He broke my  
fall."  
  
The nurse raised an eyebrow at Ben. "So how does that explain the  
ankle?"  
  
Ben shrugged. "I guess I must have twisted it as I fell."  
  
The nurse stepped back and crossed his arms over his chest. "Remind  
me never to go hiking with you two."  
  
Ben and Lloyd exchanged an embarrassed smile and sat down where the nurse  
indicated.  
  
"Now let me get some details from you two while we wait for the  
doctor."  
  
They nodded in agreement and answered questions about their respective  
medical histories. Unseen by either man, Constable Marchand rushed by  
the window of their exam room steering an old man towards the reception  
desk. Neither did they see him when he returned a minute later, peering  
through the thick glass, eyes wide in surprise.  
  
  
Cat sipped her third coffee of the day and propped her feet on the lunchroom  
table, tilting her chair onto its back two legs. She flipped over a  
page of her notebook and continued to read, trying to take herself back  
to the night she had arrested Duane Henry for theft. She chuckled to  
herself remembering how he insisted he didn't know where the stack of  
stolen electronic equipment in his bedroom had come from, even when she  
told him his prints had been found at several crime scenes. It was an  
open and shut case. The trial would be over quickly.  
  
Constable Marchand appeared in the doorway, his face flushed.  
  
"Hi, Marchand," she greeted, glancing up quickly from her notes.  
  
"Sergeant Madden."  
  
Something in his tone caused Cat to swing her feet to the floor and let  
her chair drop onto its four legs.  
  
"What's up?"  
  
"I just came from the hospital. Old Mr Parker needed to have his  
feet looked at." He swallowed slowly. "I saw Constable Fraser  
and your friend, Lloyd, there."  
  
"At the hospital?" Cat's voice rose suddenly. Something had  
happened to Ben. She shoved her chair back and leapt to her feet. "What  
happened?"  
  
"I don't know. I didn't speak to them."  
  
Rounding the table she pressed her notebook into Marchand's hand. "Come  
with me." With that she disappeared out the door. Marchand hurried  
to catch her.  
  
At the hospital, Cat cornered the first nurse she could find. The young  
woman pointed her to the nurse who had attended Ben and Lloyd and Cat  
rushed across the room to his side. Not at all perturbed by Cat's abrupt  
manner, he filled her in on the state of their injuries. By the time  
he finished, Cat was ready to throttle both of them. He pointed her  
towards the waiting area where Ben and Lloyd waited for the pharmacy  
to deliver their medication and then got out of her way.  
  
  
"I'm not taking their goddamn pills," Lloyd huffed, looking  
dejectedly at his now bandaged arm.  
  
"You really should. Stitches can easily become infected."  
  
Lloyd turned and stared at Ben. "So why were you telling the doctor  
you didn't want any pills?"  
  
Ben shrugged and looked down at his hands, but Lloyd didn't care about  
his response. He was busily prodding the heavy dressing on his arm and  
stroking the shredded shirt he loved.  
  
Suddenly aware of a force in the room, Ben glanced up to see Cat striding  
across the floor of the emergency room, a deep frown darkening her features.  
He nudged the man next to him.  
  
"Oh shit," Lloyd muttered, leaning towards Ben as she caught  
sight of them. "I think we're in trouble."  
  
With memories of Cat's reaction to his previous injuries still strong  
in his mind, Ben could only nod meekly in agreement as she stormed towards  
them.  
  
"You bastards!" Cat cried, whacking first Lloyd, then Ben on  
the upper arm. "You're as bad as each other. I thought one of  
you would have the sense to stay out of trouble." Turning the full  
force of her anger on Ben, she clenched her hands into fists. "You've  
lived all your life in unbelievable conditions and you've known these  
woods for nearly twenty years. How the fuck did this happen?"  
  
"Cathy," Lloyd interrupted, in an attempt to divert her anger  
away from Ben.  
  
She held up a hand to stop him as she spun around to face him.  
  
"And you! You spend your working life in the woods. It's your  
profession, for chrissakes. You of all people...." she shook her  
head, her voice trailing off. "And what were you thinking taking  
Ben? You know the state of his injuries."  
  
Ben rose to his feet and stood tall in front of Cat. "I must speak  
in Lloyd's defence. It was my idea to accompany him." He stopped  
as Cat twisted her head to glare at him. "You can't blame anyone  
but me, Cat."  
  
"And you don't need me to tell you what I think about that."  
Shaking her head again, she almost smiled. "I guess I should be  
glad that Ray wasn't here, too. Who knows what sort of mess the three  
of you would have ended up in."  
  
She turned her attention to Lloyd once again. "Don't you ever scare  
me like that again. I've had enough close calls from Ben over the years  
and I can do without you following in his footsteps."  
  
"Cathy, I'm fine." He gestured to Ben. "We're both fine.  
We're both grown men, for godsakes, I think we can take care of ourselves."  
  
Cat fell silent, staring at her lover. She rubbed a hand over her face  
and sighed.  
  
"Marchand is outside. He'll take you home. I don't want either  
of you driving, just in case."  
  
Both men agreed, reluctantly, that she was right. Lloyd fished the car  
keys from his pocket and handed them to Cat. She would take her jeep  
back to work.  
  
"I have to go ... the trial ... " Cat muttered. Quickly, she  
kissed both men. "I just don't want anything to happen to either  
of you."  
  
Before either man could speak, she rushed away, leaving them staring  
after her. It wasn't long before Constable Marchand appeared in the  
Emergency Room, nervously shuffling his hat from one hand to the other.  
  
"I have Diefenbaker out in the car. Sergeant Madden told me I have  
to take you two home. I'm sorry, I should have checked with you before  
I told her you were here."  
  
"Don't sweat it, Will," Lloyd smiled at the younger man. "But  
boy, I've never seen her that pissed about anything."  
  
Ben and Marchand exchanged a nervous smile. Both of them had been on  
the receiving end of Cat Madden's tongue-lashings before and knew that  
for Lloyd this was only the beginning.  
  
  
Lloyd tossed the small envelope containing his pain pills and antibiotics  
onto the hall table as they entered the house. He never took pain pills  
and if he needed antibiotics he would pull some herbs from the garden.  
Ben picked up the envelope and held it for a second. The memory of his  
experience with Demerol was still fresh in his mind and he, too, had  
no intention of taking anything.  
  
"Ah, Lloyd, can I suggest that we dispose of these before Cat comes  
home?"  
  
Lloyd's smile split his face and he laughed, slapping Ben on the shoulder  
with his good hand. "I see you've done this before. OK, you flush  
the chemicals and I'll make us a sandwich."  
  
Ben and Lloyd nodded their agreement and then went off to take care of  
their tasks. Dief went with Lloyd. After all, he had mentioned food.  
The men met up later on the verandah, Lloyd slapping two plates of sandwiches  
onto the table with gusto. Ben gave his appreciation and then the two  
men ate in silence until their plates were empty.  
  
"That was a great sandwich, Lloyd," Ben told the other man  
as he wiped his mouth and pushed the empty plate away. "Who would  
have thought that bacon and banana would make such an ... interesting  
... filling."  
  
Lloyd laughed heartily. "I'm glad you like it. Cathy won't even  
try it. She thinks I have no taste buds." He rose from his seat  
at the table and swung himself with practised ease into the hammock he  
had installed the night before. "But compared to some of the stuff  
she eats ..." his voice trailed off as he wriggled into a comfortable  
position. "You gotta love these hammocks."  
  
Ben laughed. He knew Cat's strange eating habits well. He had seen  
her eat spicy curries for breakfast and bowls of cereal for dinner, not  
to mention the smoked oysters and camembert she favoured on camping trips.  
Then there was her refusal to eat cooked carrots although he had watched  
her devour raw ones freshly pulled from the garden. At least she was  
over the strange macrobiotic stage she went through many years earlier.  
  
"I can tell by that laugh that there's a story in there, Ben."  
  
"I was just remembering the time Cat decided a macrobiotic diet  
was for her. At least you haven't been forced to drink spirulina shakes."  
  
Lloyd laughed again. "She's a crazy woman, but I guess that's why  
I love her."  
  
Ben smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. He couldn't say why  
Lloyd's comment made him uncomfortable.  
  
"Do you?" Ben hesitated as Lloyd turned questioning eyes to  
him. "Love her, I mean."  
  
For just a second it seemed that the world stopped. As Lloyd stared  
at Ben something passed between them. It was more than one friend looking  
out for another. It was more than a lover's territoriality. It was  
more than red man's anger about the injustices dealt by white men and  
it was far more than simple jealousy. It was ancient. It scared both  
of them.  
  
It was gone when Lloyd spoke, his gentle but firm voice stating quietly,  
"Don't doubt what I feel for Cathy." He laid his head back  
and covered his eyes with his right arm.  
  
Ben sunk into the wicker chair and wondered about what had just occurred.  
Ten minutes or so passed with both men lost to their own thoughts. So  
far away was Ben that when Lloyd spoke he almost didn't hear him.  
  
"I know who you are."  
  
Ben looked up to meet Lloyd's steady gaze. "What?" he asked,  
almost laughing, expecting he had missed the crucial part to something  
funny.  
  
But Lloyd was not smiling. "I know who you are, Benton Fraser."  
  
Ben slid to the edge of his chair and cocked his head to one side. "I'm  
afraid I don't understand."  
  
"Of course you don't." Lloyd swung his feet over the edge  
of the hammock and planted them firmly on the floor, leaning towards  
the other man. "But what if I told you I know Phil McKenzie as  
well as you know Cathy Madden?" He rose and went into the house,  
leaving Ben gaping.  
  
Ben stared at the space where Lloyd had been. Had he heard correctly?  
Did Lloyd know Phil? Had they been lovers? A million questions sped  
through his mind, each one with a million answers.  
  
Just as he was planning a getaway, Lloyd reappeared carrying two icy  
bottles of Moose Head in his right hand. He pressed one into Ben's hand.  
  
"I don't usually drink," Ben said, taking the bottle anyway.  
  
"Whatever." Lloyd shrugged and lowered himself into the hammock  
once again. "I'm sorry, Ben," he said twisting the cap off  
the beer and drinking a hefty slug. "I didn't want to tell you  
like that, but you have to know."  
  
Ben stared at the bottle still clutched in his hand, watching as the  
condensation ran down its length and dripped onto his jeans. "Does  
Cat ... ?" he began, old pain welling up from the depths of his  
soul. Cat knew and didn't tell him.  
  
"Cathy knows. She didn't want me to tell you."  
  
Lloyd sipped his beer and looked out across the garden, weighing his  
options. Struggling upright again, he moved into a cross-legged position  
on the hammock and faced the other man.  
  
"Jesus, Ben, I opened this topic of conversation," he said  
almost apologetically. "I guess I might as well say it all now."  
  
"All?" Ben went cold, terrified at what else Lloyd might say.  
Maybe he would drink the beer warming in his hand.  
  
"I care about Phil McKenzie. Very much." He fiddled with  
the label on his beer bottle before going on. "You hurt her a lot  
and there's a part of me that wants to beat the crap out of you for it."  
He looked up at Ben again. "But I won't. Mainly because that's  
not who I am. I'm not into violence. And ..." his voice trailed  
off, an affectionate smile crinkling his eyes, "partly because  
after the way Cathy reacted today I know she'd probably kill me."  
His smile grew and after a moment Ben smiled tentatively.  
  
"She has always been very ... protective ..., " Ben said quietly.  
  
A broad grin spread across Lloyd's face as the thought about the tiny  
woman who had captured his heart. "Like a mother bear."  
  
The two men shared a smile; both agreeing that Lloyd's choice of animal  
was appropriate.  
  
"The other reason I'm not going to beat the crap out of you is Phil,"  
Lloyd continued a moment later, following on from his earlier comment.  
"She'd be really pissed at me if I interfered and, hey, the logical  
part of my mind tells me she'd be right."  
  
Ben frowned, not sure of the direction this conversation was taking.  
  
"Maybe you should just drink that beer, Ben." Lloyd took a  
swig of his own beer and stared off into the distance. Still staring  
into the distance he continued, " I know what happened between you  
and Phil is your business and I have no right to pass judgement."  
He tilted his head and fixed Ben with a gaze that would not allow the  
other man to look away. "I just want you to know, man to man, that  
I think the way you treated Phil was really fucking low and if I'd known  
Phil then I'd have come after you."  
  
Ben looked away from Lloyd and the harsh truth he spoke. Lloyd did not  
mince words and in that moment he realised just how well suited Lloyd  
and Cat were. Not knowing what compelled him, he twisted the cap off  
his beer and drank from it as though the action alone could provide protection.  
  
"I'm sorry," he offered meekly, after drinking a good portion  
of the beer.  
  
"Yeah, I know you are. I could see it in your eyes as soon as I  
said Phil's name." Lloyd slipped off the hammock and strode back  
into the house, leaving Ben alone again.  
  
Ben's head spun. He didn't know if it was the alcohol or his own rising  
panic at what he had learned. Why didn't Cat tell him that Lloyd knew  
Phil?  
  
Seconds later, interrupting Ben's thoughts, Lloyd returned with two more  
beers and this time Ben accepted his without hesitation. Lloyd already  
had the top off his.  
  
"Look, Ben," he said, swinging once again into the hammock,  
" we've probably got less than two hours before Cathy comes home  
and anything we need to say to each other that's going to upset her should  
be said now."  
  
 _Oh dear_ , thought Ben, _is this going to get ugly?_  
  
"I appreciate your candour, Lloyd, but I don't know what else there  
is to say. You told me your opinion of me and I told you I'm sorry.  
I can't say anything else."  
  
"I didn't tell you my opinion of you. I told you what I think about  
what you did to Phil." Lloyd gestured at Ben with his bottle.   
"I think you're probably a good person. You couldn't have stayed  
friends with Cathy for so long if you weren't. It's just that something  
you did twelve years ago sucks big time and I had to tell you. If **you**  
need to say anything to me, go right ahead. I know how you feel about  
Cathy so if you want to question me about my intentions, now is the time  
to do it."  
  
By the time Lloyd stopped speaking Ben had drained his first beer bottle  
and was opening the second. He sipped it before speaking.  
  
"You told me not to question the way you feel about Cat."   
His tone was not as defensive as he had hoped.  
  
Lloyd stared at Ben for a second and then turned away, sipping his beer  
again. Ben's eyes shifted to the forest in the distance. It seemed  
an understanding about that subject had been reached. Silence settled  
over them for a while.  
  
Ben sipped steadily at his second beer, enjoying the mild buzz he felt  
and wondered why he had made a decision to rarely drink. It was rather  
pleasant. He watched a small bird dip its beak into the columbines,  
one after the other, and thought of Phil. As he neared the end of the  
second bottle he finally had the courage to say what he really wanted.  
  
"Will you tell me about her?"  
  
Lloyd drained his bottle, set it down on the slatted verandah deck and  
thought for a while. "OK," he agreed eventually, not meeting  
Ben's eyes. "Wait a second."  
  
He disappeared into the house and remerged with another two beers. This  
time Ben accepted without question.  
  
"I'll tell you what I can without compromising Phil's privacy."  
Lloyd slipped into position on his hammock. "It may not be what  
you want to know."  
  
Ben nodded acknowledgment as he tore the cap off his third beer with  
a dexterity that surprised him. "Cat said she's getting married,"  
he told Lloyd. "Is he good to her?"  
  
The other man shrugged. "Phil says he is. I don't know for sure,  
I haven't met him."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"She's happy. Is that what you mean?"  
  
"Yes. But ... can you tell me about her life?"  
  
Lloyd thought about what he knew. Lindy's short life and early death  
overshadowed so much of Phil's life since Ben had ended their engagement.  
How could he tell Ben about Phil's life and not mention that? And how  
could he talk of Phil's life without mentioning BakTrak and its proximity  
to Ben's office?  
  
"Phil's life, huh?" He frowned and tried to find the best  
way. "Well, she's a successful woman, she runs her own business.  
As you know, she has a loving and supportive family. And she's got a  
bunch of really great friends." He sipped his beer and thought  
again. "She sings still, in a local choir, I think. And flying.  
Phil and TJ bought a plane a few years back. She's busy all the time.  
Hell, I've never seen anyone work so hard as that woman. She's a lot  
like Cathy in some ways, but in others, well I guess you'd say they couldn't  
be more different." He sneaked a sideways glance at Ben before  
covering his eyes again. "But I guess you don't need me to tell  
you that."  
  
Ben stared at the beer bottle in his hand, resting it on the arm of his  
chair. He contemplated what Lloyd had just told him. It seemed Phil  
was happy, surrounded by good people who gave her the love and affection  
he knew she deserved. Was that what he wanted to hear? Or did he want  
to hear that she had spent the last twelve years alone and unhappy?   
Both thoughts were painful for reasons that he didn't want to look at  
too closely. And now Phil was to marry.  
  
A part of him was glad for her, pleased that she had found someone to  
share her life with. But inside, tucked away in some small, dark part  
of his heart was a hard nut of jealousy. Knowing that Phil was alone,  
not involved with anyone, had made it easier for him. But now he knew  
that Phil had not remained on the edge of love nor on the edge of her  
life. Phil had stepped forward and taken all that life had to offer  
and was living it fully, completely while he remained on the outskirts,  
sent there by one wrong decision made on the side of a mountain.  
  
"Does that answer your question?" Lloyd asked a little later.  
  
Ben swallowed and nodded his head. "Yes. Thank you," he ground  
out in a strained voice. He lifted the beer bottle to his lips and drank  
from it, more for something to do than because he really wanted it.  
  
"Good," Lloyd responded. "Now I have a question for you."  
His tone gave away nothing of his mood.  
  
Ben froze, his beer bottle still pressed against his lips. It took a  
second before he could lower it to rest on his knee and answer.  
  
"A question? Yes. Yes, of course." What could Lloyd want  
from him?  
  
Lloyd's arm slipped away from his eyes and he turned to look at the other  
man. "Don't sweat it, Ben. I'm not going to give you a hard time  
about the past. I've said what I had to, so let's just leave the past  
where it is. In the past."  
  
Ben held his gaze for long moments, trying to gauge his mood, but Lloyd's  
stoic expression was unchanged. "Understood," he said eventually.  
  
In one lithe and graceful movement, Lloyd suddenly flew from his hammock,  
depositing his beer bottle on the verandah railing at the same time.  
  
"Let's get this other hammock up so you can get comfortable,"  
he said, reaching for the other hammock that had lain forgotten on the  
table since the night before.  
  
Startled by the sudden change in Lloyd, Ben remained unmoving, still  
clutching his beer bottle. Lloyd ran an amused eye over the tense figure  
he made in the wicker chair.  
  
"Looks like you need to relax."  
  
Ben was about to object, when Lloyd unfolded the hammock and tossed one  
end to him, still holding the other.  
  
"Help me with this."  
  
Ben caught the rope and watched in silence as Lloyd moved around him  
to tie his end to the rafters over head. Task completed, Lloyd looked  
at Ben, still in his seat, rope in one hand, bottle in the other. He  
pointed to the verandah post where the end of the hammock he had occupied  
was tied.  
  
"Tie your end there."  
  
Ben shot from his seat, depositing his bottle on the floor as he did.  
He tied the rope around the post and then both men turned to survey their  
handiwork. The foot end of both hammocks were secured at the same post,  
but the heads were situated so that the hammocks rested at right angles  
to each other so the occupants could look out across the gardens, but  
also still see each other without turning their heads.  
  
Still stunned by the change in mood, Ben waited for Lloyd's next move.  
On cue, Lloyd gestured to the new hammock.  
  
"Try it out."  
  
Mindful of his ribs, Ben settled carefully into the hammock, as bid,  
and accepted the beer Lloyd collected from the floor.  
  
"Now isn't that better?" he asked, sliding into his own hammock.  
  
Ben nodded mutely. "Ah ... about ... about your questions?"  
  
"Question. Singular," Lloyd corrected. "I just want  
to ask you one thing."  
  
"Oh." Ben breathed a sigh of relief. How bad could it be?  
Then he thought of Cat. He remembered Cat's single-minded line of questioning  
over past actions and began to worry anew. He knew Lloyd would be as  
capable of cutting to the quick in one question as Cat. "So what  
is it?" he asked, somewhat nervously.  
  
"What I want to know," Lloyd said, fixing Ben with an intense  
stare, "is why you call Cathy Cat?"  
  
The combination of sheer relief at Lloyd's innocuous question and the  
consumption of an unusual amount of alcohol caused Ben throw his head  
back and let out a wild, even hysterical, bark of laughter. He laughed  
until tears ran down his face.  
  
Unperturbed by Ben's display of mirth, Lloyd waited patiently for it  
to pass, draining the remains of his beer from the bottle and setting  
it down on the floor beside him. He had waited this long to find out  
the answer to this question, another few minutes was no trouble.  
  
"I called her Cat many years ago because she reminded me of one,"  
Ben said eventually. He blushed, remembering that night on the kitchen  
floor seventeen years earlier. "It was the first night we ... "  
His voice trailed off, embarrassed by his sudden revelation.  
  
"I think I get the picture," Lloyd replied, his voice once  
again giving away nothing about his feelings. He swallowed before speaking  
again. "I, too, have a name for Phil. I call her Walela."  
  
The beer bottle Ben had been holding slipped suddenly from his hand,  
hitting the floor and rolling off the edge of the verandah. "Hummingbird?"  
he squeaked out.  
  
Why would Lloyd choose a hummingbird for Phil? There could only be one  
answer. He had seen the tattoo on her hip. The implications of that  
were more than he wanted to think about. Now he understood why Cat had  
tried to protect him from the knowledge that Lloyd knew Phil.  
  
"So how come you know a Cherokee word?" Lloyd asked, snapping  
Ben from his thoughts.  
  
"How do you know a Cherokee word?"  
  
Lloyd gave a cheeky grin and winked. "We Indians know everything."  
  
Once again, something passed between them. With his alcohol-fuzzed mind,  
Ben could not be sure what happened. All he knew was that before long  
he was laughing with Lloyd as if nothing had happened. His pain at the  
knowledge that Cat's lover was once Phil's lover disappeared to the back  
of his mind. He admitted he liked the man who had won Cat's love and  
found himself relaxing into a state of complete calm.  
  
By the time they heard Cat's jeep in the drive, Ben had accepted and  
consumed a fourth bottle of beer and was pleasantly drunk. Lloyd, too,  
had drunk a fourth bottle but being more accustomed to the alcohol was  
in a much better state.  
  
Lloyd met Cat at the car, wanting to tell her of his admission to Ben.  
She kissed him through the window, asked about his and Ben's injuries,  
frowned in disbelief when he told her they were both fine, then began  
passing packages to him.  
  
"I bought whole trout for dinner. I thought I'd pan fry it with  
butter and almonds, Ben likes it," she told him as she thrust a  
large, cold parcel into his arms.  
  
"Right now I think he'd eat anything." He moved aside as she  
opened the door and stepped down, closing the door behind her.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"He's a little ... drunk."  
  
"Drunk? Ben?" She took some of the parcels from Lloyd and  
they began walking toward the house. Ben was drinking? She couldn't  
believe it. But why would Lloyd say it otherwise?  
  
"And what are you two doing drinking anyway?" she demanded  
of Lloyd, stopping on the front step and turning to face him. "You  
were both injured today."  
  
"Well, we had a little talk."  
  
Narrowing her eyes, she leaned towards him. "What do you mean **talk**?"  
  
"I told him about Phil."  
  
"Ah, **shit** , Lloyd. I thought we agreed?"  
  
"No, we didn't agree. **You** told me not to tell him and **I**  
told you I would do what I thought best." He shrugged. "I  
thought best to tell him."  
  
"And make him drink?" Instantly she had an image of Phil McKenzie.  
She had plied her with alcohol and then told her the Victoria story.  
  
"It was his choice, Cathy. He **is** an adult."  
  
"But you don't know how fragile he is."  
  
Lloyd gave her a look that said 'oh please'. "Phil had to deal  
with it. She managed. Ben's what? 36? 37? Stop treating him like  
a child."  
  
Cat opened her mouth to speak, but Lloyd wasn't going to accept her arguments.  
He leaned forward and kissed her soundly. By the time he stepped back,  
anything she would have said was gone.  
  
"He's fine, Cathy."  
  
A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. "You know what you  
father would say about that."  
  
He grinned too. "Yeah, fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.  
Hey, he's probably all those things too but, really, he's cool about  
this."  
  
Ben chose that very moment to appear in the doorway, hobbling towards  
them on his bad ankle, a silly smile on his face.  
  
"Cat!" he said cheerfully as he drew near and enfolded her  
in a hug. "I'm glad you're home. You missed a lovely afternoon."  
  
Cat glanced briefly at Lloyd who gave her an 'I told you so' look.  
  
"So it seems," she said smiling in amusement at Ben's somewhat  
rumpled appearance. "And I'm going to make your favourite fish."  
  
"That's wonderful!"  
  
"Come on, Ben, let's get you back in that hammock." Lloyd  
handed the packages he carried to Cat and leapt up the steps to help  
Ben back inside, tossing a disarming smile over his shoulder at her as  
he went.  
  
  
With Ben and Lloyd once again swinging in the hammocks, Cat set about  
preparing dinner. This time the two men shared a jug of iced tea while  
she cooked.  
  
During dinner, Ben and Lloyd told Cat the full story about their day,  
filling in all the details she had missed at the hospital. Cat was  
pleased to see the two men getting on so well. Only one reference was  
made to the discussion about Phil and Ben did not seem concerned.  
  
After dinner Lloyd stacked the dishwasher while Ben and Cat tidied the  
verandah.  
  
"Are you OK, Ben?" Cat asked as she stooped to retrieve a beer  
bottle from under the table.  
  
Ben gathered the last of the glasses. "You mean now that I know  
that Lloyd knows Phil?" he asked gently.  
  
Cat nodded, staring at the bottle in her hand. She had been expecting  
a bad reaction all evening and when none came she was confused.  
  
"You should have told me."  
  
"I was just trying to stop you from being hurt any more."   
She looked up at him. "Lloyd says I treat you like a child. Do  
I?"  
  
"I know you're only trying to protect me." Ben smiled affectionately.  
"But I have to accept responsibility for my actions and sometimes  
that can be painful."  
  
Cat stared at her friend, startled by the change in him. She recalled  
only too well his reaction when he learned that TJ was in Chicago and  
that she had not told him. Why hadn't he reacted so strongly to Lloyd's  
revelation? Her wonder at what had happened between the two men was  
brought abruptly to a halt as Lloyd called from the kitchen.  
  
"Anything else for the dishwasher?"  
  
Ben jumped, startled by his voice. His free hand flew suddenly to the  
small of his back.  
  
"I'll bring the rest in a second, Lloyd," she called hastily,  
then turned to her friend. "You OK?" She took the glasses  
from his hand and he used his now empty hand to steady himself against  
the table.  
  
Ben nodded, grimacing slightly. "Yes. My back hurts a little,  
that's all."  
  
Cat frowned with concern. "You go upstairs. I'll just take the  
last of this stuff to the kitchen and then come up and give you a massage."  
  
"Really, Cat. I'm fine."  
  
"But a massage will make you feel better. Go on, I'll be up in  
a few minutes."  
  
It was easier to accept. Ben nodded meekly and headed off, leaving Cat  
to finish clearing the verandah. She took the glasses to the kitchen  
and after kissing Lloyd quickly, she gathered a few items and took the  
stairs two at a time.  
  
  
Cat strode into the spare room, a large towel in one hand and a jar of  
homemade arnica and comfrey balm in the other. Bare-chested, Ben gasped,  
his hands halting at the button of his jeans. A short laugh escaped  
Cat's lips.  
  
"You've got nothing I haven't seen before."  
  
"But ... " he stage whispered, "Lloyd is downstairs!"  
  
Stepping around him and setting the jar down on the nightstand she said,  
"As good looking as you are, Ben, I doubt Lloyd wants to see you  
naked." She tossed the towel out and spread it on the bed. "And  
besides, how on earth can I give you a massage while you've got your  
clothes on?"  
  
Ben frowned and shot her a frustrated look. What had he been thinking  
when he accepted Cat's offer of a massage? It was too humiliating for  
words.  
  
Cat leaned against the old shaker chest of drawers and waited. Eventually  
Ben slid his jeans over his hips and folded them carefully, placing them  
on the end of the bed. Cat stared at the stiff white boxers he wore  
and shook her head.  
  
"God, Ben, it's no wonder you don't have a woman in your life."  
She pulled at the stiff cotton. "I can't believe you're still wearing  
those starched boxers. Way, way unsexy!"  
  
Ben blushed and Cat was amused that she could still embarrass him, even  
after all these years. But he recovered well.  
  
"I seem to recall they never deterred you." He tilted his  
head defiantly and stood proud in his shorts.  
  
Cat laughed and nudged his shoulder. "Do you want this massage  
or not?"  
  
He muttered something unintelligible and lay down on the bed. Cat reached  
for the balm and scooped out a small amount, smiling as it warmed in  
her hands and enveloped them both in its fragrance.  
  
Short minutes later, Cat was massaging his tight muscles and he was pleased  
he had accepted her offer. The warm, firm hands combined with the heady  
herbal scent relaxed him and for a brief moment he allowed himself to  
imagine it was Phil who kneaded his back.  
  
Cat relaxed, too, as she felt Ben's muscles soften under her hands.   
She had worried so much about his injuries and it was a relief to know  
that they weren't as bad as she had imagined. A noise outside the room  
caught her attention and she looked up, through the door, to see Lloyd  
coming up the stairs. Completely relaxed under her hands, Ben was unaware  
of his approach.  
  
The look Lloyd gave her as he leaned on the doorframe sent shivers down  
Cat's spine. She couldn't wait to get him alone.  
  
"Can I get you two some tea?" Lloyd's voice was mellow and  
made Cat tingle.  
  
On hearing the question, Ben sat up suddenly, almost knocking Cat to  
the floor. He reached for a pillow and clutched it to his chest as if  
to cover himself.  
  
"Ah ... Lloyd ... this ... this is not what it looks like ... "  
his voice trailed off as Cat began to laugh beside him. He turned and  
glared at her.  
  
An amused smile pulled at the corner of Lloyd's mouth. "What it  
looks like, Ben, is that you're getting a massage." He pushed himself  
off the doorframe and tucked his hands into his pockets. "If I  
were you, I'd lay down and enjoy it. Now do you want tea?"  
  
His voice seemed to suddenly have left and Ben cleared his throat twice  
before squeaking out, "Y ... yes please. Chamomile." Embarrassed  
even further, he threw himself onto his stomach again, his face turned  
away from the door, ignoring the stab of pain in his ribs.  
  
"You got it," Lloyd said to his back. "Cathy?"  
  
"Coffee, please." She lowered her hands to Ben's back and  
began working his muscles again.  
  
Tilting his head to one side, he frowned at her. "Coffee? At this  
hour? You'll be awake all night."  
  
"Oh, I hope so."  
  
Cat's tone made Ben blush all over again. He missed Lloyd's shudder  
of anticipation.  
  
  
After the massage, Cat left Ben alone to drink his tea while she ran  
him a bath in the deep tub in the large bathroom at the end of the hall.  
Renovated only the year before, she had searched high and low to find  
just the right tub. Eventually she had found it in a wheat farmer's  
paddock several kilometres north of Riverhurst, dragged it back to Moose  
Jaw, had it resurfaced and then installed into the large wood-panelled  
bathroom, positioned so that from the bath one could look across the  
forest to the mountains in the distance.  
  
Of course she had bought the lumber from Jimmy Sunsinger, who had argued  
with her the whole time that she should put tiles, not wood, in the bathroom.  
But it didn't stop him bringing new samples of timber every few days  
for her to choose from. She had consulted her old friend Mark Kehr,  
who now worked for Phil McKenzie. He was the only person she knew with  
a connection to boats. He did a little research and advised her what  
sealers to use and how best to protect the wood. She was pleased with  
the results.  
  
Just as she drained her coffee cup and set it on the bench, Ben arrived,  
stepping meekly into the room and closing the door behind him. Cat leaned  
over and tested the water. The temperature was perfect beneath the layer  
of bubbles.  
  
Hobbling closer, Ben leaned on Cat's shoulder and tried to step into  
the bath.  
  
"You're taking a bath in your boxer shorts?"  
  
"Well, I can't take them off while you're here."  
  
Cat shook her head and laughed. Hadn't they just been through this before  
the massage? "Are you forgetting just how intimate I am with your  
body - and I mean **every inch**."  
  
Ben muttered under his breath and blushed from the waistband of his shorts  
to the roots of his hair. Cat shook her head again, wondering how many  
men managed a full-body blush. What was he afraid of?  
  
Resting her hands on her hips, Cat said, "As sexy as you might  
be, Ben, I think I can manage to keep my hands off you. Now get in the  
bath."  
  
He gave a long-suffering sigh and hooked his thumbs into the waistband  
of his shorts, but Cat's words stopped him.  
  
"Or is it your self-control you're worried about?"  
  
Mortified at her suggestion he jerked upright. "Cat, how could  
you think I ..."  
  
"Look, I'm just teasing you. Relax." Before he could react,  
she reached out and yanked his shorts down, letting them drop to his  
feet. "Now get in the goddamn bath."  
  
For a second or two he stood opening and closing his mouth, then the  
shock of realising he was, in fact, naked in front of Cat spurred him  
into action. Ankle suddenly forgotten, he stepped out of the cotton  
pooling at his ankles and leapt for the bath.  
  
Cat had a split second to grab him before he fell, his injured foot buckling  
under his weight. Without another word, he let her help him into the  
steaming water and did not complain when she held his ankle above the  
water, propping it on a folded towel on the edge of the bath. Nor did  
he complain when she helped wash his hair. His injured ribs and back  
made lifting his hands over his head for any length of time uncomfortable.  
  
Cat rinsed the last of the soap from his hair and shifted around to the  
other end of the bath, perching on the edge and smiling at Ben. Picking  
up where their conversation had left off, she said, "So when **was**  
the last time we had sex?"  
  
Ben blushed again, a furious beet red. "I hardly think this is  
an appropriate topic for discussion, Cat."  
  
She ignored his comment. "I remember. It was a couple of months  
before you went to Colorado. Christmas time, I think."  
  
Ben dropped his gaze and thought about all Cat's statement alluded to.  
Before he went to Colorado, before he met Phil. The winter of 1981 -  
82\. At that time his relationship with Cat had been the most important  
thing in his life. And then he met Phil. Then his feelings for Cat  
had shifted into something else - something that had kept them close  
for more than fifteen years. He looked up at the woman on the edge of  
the bath, seeing her as he had all those years ago.  
  
"We made love, Cat. We always made love."  
  
Cat stared into Ben's serious eyes and saw the emotions there. "Yeah,  
we did," she agreed. Her voice lowered to a tone she had not used  
with him in a long time. "We always made love."  
  
Tears pricked at his eyes as he spoke. "Our time together was ...  
important to me."  
  
"Me too." Cat wiped at the moisture gathering in her own eyes.  
"I'll always love you, Ben. It's just that now we've both moved  
on to something else."  
  
Ben dropped his head and played with the bubbles. "I can't ever  
have it again."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"What I had with you. What I had with Phil."  
  
"Oh, Ben ..."  
  
He raised his head again and met her sad eyes. "No, it's OK. In  
a way I think of it as ... as ... punishment ... for what happened with  
Victoria." He gestured with his right hand, trying to seem nonchalant  
about the rest of his life. "I've come to realise that I can't  
have that love again, that I will have to be content with what I **do**  
have. You and Becka and Ray. You see, I'm surrounded by love."  
  
"Yes you are, but you can't go on like that. You need to be a part  
of it. You can't have a love life vicariously, Ben."  
  
"I'm content with what I have, Cat. Others have less." He  
spared a thought for the loveless life that Victoria led. _No less  
than she deserves_, he thought bitterly.  
  
Cat wondered at Ben's comment. How could he be content to live on the  
outskirts of love? He was a passionate man and she knew what he felt  
for Phil McKenzie. But what could she do?  
  
"I'm ready to get out now," Ben said, softly, pulling Cat away  
from her thoughts.  
  
She shook herself and rose to help her friend from the tub. In silence,  
she helped him get dry then left him alone. Drawn by a sudden need to  
be with Lloyd, she rushed down the stairs, pausing momentarily at the  
bottom to watch her lover on the verandah with Diefenbaker and the cats.  
  
It only took a second for Lloyd to become aware of the weight of her  
gaze. What he saw in her eyes when he looked up made him push the animals  
aside and cross the room in great strides. When he reached her, Cat  
lifted her hand and stroked his bandaged arm.  
  
"You'll need help in the shower," she told him, sliding her  
hand up his arm, across his shoulder to the back of his neck.  
  
He nodded and gestured behind him at the open door and blazing lights.  
"I'll just ..."  
  
Cat cut him off. "Leave it." There was no time to waste.  
  
  
Lloyd didn't even get time to dry himself after his shower. Cat tugged  
him out of her small bathroom across the floor to the bed. Lit only  
by the dim moon and a small slit of light that spilled under the door  
from the hallway Cat nudged him onto his back and proceeded to make love  
with an energy he had not seen before. When it was over she collapsed,  
sobbing, onto his chest. He held her, stroking her hair as he waited  
for the storm to pass.  
  
"Do you want to tell me what that was about?" he asked when  
her breathing had evened.  
  
Cat pushed her face into his shoulder and began to cry again. This time  
it was gentle, her hot tears sliding down her face to drip into Lloyd's  
hair.  
  
"I feel lost, Lloyd. I don't know how to help Ben." She lifted  
a hand at wiped at her eyes.  
  
Lloyd shifted her sideways and reached for a tissue, wiping her eyes  
gently and kissing her forehead.  
  
"What makes you think he needs help?"  
  
"He told me earlier that he knows he can never have love in his  
life again and he's never going to let himself have it." Cat pulled  
back and stared at her lover. "He thinks he deserves to be punished."  
  
There was nothing Lloyd could say to that. He pulled her close again  
and held her, letting her cry as she needed to. He thought about a time  
when he had held Phil the same way while she cried for Ben. He wondered  
what sort of hold this man had to make the two strongest women he knew  
feel such pain. He also knew that Ben was unaware of their pain.  
  
  
When Ben finally emerged from the bathroom the house was silent. Diefenbaker  
sat at the top of the stairs staring at Cat's closed bedroom door. In  
the guestroom, Sheila, Bella and the three kittens vied for space on  
his bed. Shaking his head in disgust, Ben hobbled down the stairs into  
the living room. After the day he had had, he knew sleep would be a  
long time coming.  
  
The next day was several hours old before Ben finally dragged his weary  
body and soul up the steps. Upon reaching his room, he found there was  
no space to be had on the bed. Diefenbaker stretched across the middle,  
with Bella and her kittens nestled against his belly. Pressed against  
the length of his back was Sheila, stretching almost to the same length  
across the bed. He sighed, pulled a pillow from the bed and the comforter  
from the closet and settled down to sleep on the floor.  
  
  
Ben's door was still shut fast when Cat and Lloyd left to drive into  
Moose Jaw the next morning. Cat panicked for a moment, telling Lloyd  
how unlike Ben it was to sleep that late. Lloyd calmed her, reassuring  
her with his belief that the events of the previous day had been more  
than enough to make anyone sleep a little late, Ben included.  
  
  
Ben was eating breakfast in the kitchen when Lloyd returned from taking  
Cat to work.  
  
"How's the foot?" he asked, snagging a pear from the fruit  
bowl on the table.  
  
"Much better, thank you." Ben pushed his plate aside and reached  
for his tea. "And your arm?"  
  
"A bit sore, but I'll live." He took a bite of the pear and  
hoisted himself up to sit on the island bench. "Are you up to a  
trip out to the lake?"  
  
"The lake? What did you have in mind?"  
  
"A swim. Nothing too energetic. It's going to be a hot day."  
He bit into his pear again and spoke around a mouthful. "It'd be  
good for your ankle, too."  
  
Ben nodded. He had heard the weather forecast. A heartfelt smile spread  
across his face. "I'd like that."  
  
  
Less than an hour later the two men pulled into the carpark of the Bradshaw  
Picnic Grounds on the shore of Lake Diefenbaker. After parking under  
the shade of a large tree, the two men crossed the grass and settled  
on a large rock overhanging the waters edge. Dief bounded off ahead  
of them, excited about being at the lake again. While Lloyd and Ben  
rested in the sun, Dief swam a little and chased birds.  
  
"That animal is crazy," Lloyd said, gesturing to Dief who teased  
a flock of birds on the waters edge.  
  
"I sometimes think that the combination of lupine and canine genes  
has not been a great success. Diefenbaker doesn't behave like a pet.  
In fact, he seems to deliberately ignore everything I say. But neither  
does he behave like a wolf. He's incapable of hunting or tracking and  
heaven forbid he should have to walk on snow in winter." He shook  
his head in disgust as Dief trotted further down the beach towards a  
family who appeared to have a picnic basket. "Take my advice, Lloyd.  
Never let a wolf save your life. They make you pay and pay and pay."  
  
Lloyd laughed heartily. He could see Ben's frustration, but it was clear  
to him that Ben would go to great lengths to ensure Dief's safety. He  
thought about Phil and wondered what she would think if she could see  
the scene he saw. Without knowing how it happened, he found himself  
thinking about Ben and the child he never knew.  
  
"Well, he doesn't look like he's coming back any time soon. What  
say we go for a swim?"  
  
Ben nodded in agreement and began removing his clothing, folding each  
item carefully and placing it on a rock so it would not get wet. Lloyd  
kicked his moccasins off at the same time as he pulled his t-shirt over  
his head and tossed it carelessly aside. He was down to the swimming  
trunks he had worn under his jeans before Ben had even folded his shirt.  
  
Lloyd rushed into the water, diving from the rock ledge on which they  
had been sitting. Ben stopped, holding his breath for a moment, waiting  
for the other man to resurface. He was startled when Lloyd's sleek black  
head broke the surface much further away than he had expected. He lifted  
one hand over his head and waved.  
  
"Come on in, Ben. The water's great!"  
  
Ben smiled and waved back. Finally down to his swimming trunks, he carefully  
placed his stetson atop the pile of neatly folded clothes and hobbled  
to the waters edge. Slipping ungraciously into the cool water, he breaststroked  
out to the centre of the lake where Lloyd was alternately diving below  
the surface and swimming back and forth.  
  
"Look over there," Lloyd said as Ben drew near.  
  
Treading water, Ben turned and looked where Lloyd had pointed. Further  
along the lake edge a large willow tree over hung the water. From its  
largest limb hung a rope swing. Before Ben could comment, Lloyd was  
swimming toward the tree. _Oh no_ , he thought to himself briefly  
before following the other man.  
  
By the time Lloyd dragged himself out of the water, Dief had spotted  
them and bounded towards them. As he reached them, a woman in a lime  
green leisure suit stepped into the clearing. Ben pulled himself out  
of the water onto a rock in time to see his lupine companion almost knock  
the woman over in his haste to reach his friends.  
  
  
Constable Marchand pulled a notepad towards him and reached for a pencil,  
holding the phone on his shoulder with his chin. " **Wolf** ma'am?"  
  
"As sure as I'm standing here, young man," the woman at the  
other end of the line stated firmly. "An arctic wolf, if I'm not  
mistaken."  
  
"By the lake?" Marchand had a feeling he knew exactly which  
wolf the woman spoke of.  
  
"Yes, just past the Bradshaw Picnic Grounds. You can't miss it."  
The woman took a breath and launched into her story again. "He's  
attacked a man already. I saw him limping! There was another fella  
there, longhaired, you know one of those **Indians** , maybe he hypnotised  
it or something. You know what they're like. You've got to do something!"  
  
Marchand closed his eyes, imagining the scene at the lake. Constable  
Fraser and Lloyd Hope must be at the lake with Diefenbaker. What they  
were doing he couldn't say. All he knew was that somehow they had given  
the woman the impression that Dief was attacking them and it was Lloyd's  
fault. After the business yesterday at the hospital, there was no way  
he would let Sergeant Madden know about this. He had to take care of  
it himself. He took a breath and answered the woman at the other end  
of the line.  
  
"Yes, of course, ma'am. I'll get down there right away."  
  
After more of her ranting and insisting she take down his details, he  
put the phone down and turned to his colleague, Constable Dixon.  
  
"There's a report of a ... a ... wild animal loose at the lake.  
I'll go check it out." He glanced towards the glass wall that separated  
the main area from Cat's office. She was still on a phone call he had  
put through to her fifteen minutes ago and judging by the amount of hand  
waving going on, she would be for some time. Briefly he wondered if  
she had Italian blood. He turned again to Dixon. "Let Sergeant  
Madden know where I am."  
  
"Sure," Dixon replied amiably. "You want I should call  
Animal Services?"  
  
Marchand collected his hat and began backing towards the door. "No.  
Wait till I've checked it out. I'm sure it's nothing." With that  
he rushed from the building.  
  
Cat's jeep in the carpark confirmed Marchand's suspicions. He followed  
the directions of the woman he had spoken to and in no time found the  
clearing where Ben and Lloyd were. Moving around a bush he saw Lloyd  
swing out over the lake on a rope suspended from a tree, hanging on with  
his good arm. Tucked under the other he carried Diefenbaker. He let  
out a whoop of joy as he let go of the rope and Dief at the same time,  
both of them dropping into the water only metres apart. Perched on a  
rock under the tree, Ben tipped his head back and laughed. His laughter  
stopped abruptly when he became aware of Marchand's presence.  
  
Hauling himself up with one arm and at the same time reaching for the  
stetson he realised belatedly was on a rock further around the lake,  
Ben tried hard to maintain his dignity.  
  
"Constable Marchand," he said, blushing at being caught out  
of uniform by a fellow RCMP officer.  
  
"Constable Fraser." Marchand blushed too.  
  
Thankfully for both men, before anything further needed to be said Diefenbaker  
and Lloyd emerged from the water, both dripping.  
  
"Hi, Will," Lloyd said as he shook the water from his hair  
and tossed it over his shoulders.  
  
"Hello, Lloyd." He lifted his stetson from his head and twisted  
it nervously in his hands. "I had a report about a wolf attacking  
people and the woman was insistent I check it out."  
  
"Was she wearing a lime green leisure suit?" Lloyd asked,  
a broad smile spreading across his face. He remembered how shocked the  
woman had been when she happened upon the strange trio.  
  
"I don't know," he muttered. "I spoke to her on the phone."  
  
Dief approached the three men, waiting until he was near them before  
shaking his fur. Ben barely concealed a smile as he watched the full  
body shimmy Dief performed, spraying Constable Marchand liberally with  
lake water.  
  
"Diefenbaker!" Both Ben and Lloyd called. They made eye contact,  
each recognising the other was close to laughing.  
  
Marchand swiped at his uniform, shaking off what water hadn't soaked  
through the thin cotton of his summer shirt. He glared at Dief and moved  
slightly, increasing the distance between himself and the wolf.  
  
"Ah, well, I guess I should get back to the Depot. I just wanted  
to check that there was no real danger." Marchand stepped backwards  
away from the trio in the general direction from which he had come.  
  
"Yes. Of course," Ben said, stepping closer to Marchand.   
"Can I ask a favour before you go?"  
  
"Sure." Marchand lifted his stetson and placed it firmly on  
his head. "What can I do for you?"  
  
"I would be very grateful ... that is ... given what happened yesterday  
... "  
  
Lloyd stepped forward and clapped a wet hand onto Marchand's shoulder.  
"I think what Ben is trying to say is that he doesn't want you to  
tell Cathy that we're down here playing like a couple of kids."  
  
Ben made a strange noise at Lloyd's description, but nodded his agreement.  
"Yes, please, Constable Marchand. It would probably be best if  
you forget you saw us."  
  
Marchand looked past the two men, out across the lake. "Yes, of  
course."  
  
He turned and fled, disappearing into the bushes. Ben and Lloyd waited  
only a few seconds before exploding in laughter.  
  
"I'm getting hungry," Lloyd said after they had stopped laughing.  
"What about you?"  
  
"Yes, I'm hungry too," Ben replied. "But I'd like to  
do one thing before we leave."  
  
Lloyd raised an eyebrow in question as Ben turned away and headed towards  
the rope swing. When he realised what Ben was about to do he rushed  
to his side, offering support as the other man raised his uninjured ankle  
into the loop at the bottom of the rope. Once in position and hanging  
on firmly, Ben nodded and Lloyd let go. His weight swung him rapidly  
out over the water and as he reached the point where he would begin to  
swing back towards the shore he let go, holding his strong ankle in front  
of him to break the surface of the water.  
  
Lloyd watched, smiling, as Ben disappeared under the water and re-emerged  
a few seconds later. Pleased to finally see a playful side to Ben, he  
now fully understood why Phil loved him. Was it too late to help them?  
  
After they left the lake the two men ate a large lunch at Ben's favourite  
diner. Diefenbaker stayed outside drying his fur in the sun and complained  
when he was woken up to go home.  
  
By the time they got home there was just enough time for Lloyd to shower  
and change his clothes, then hastily throw his stuff into his worn backpack.  
  
Ben accompanied Lloyd out to the jeep, waiting while he tossed his pack  
in the backseat and farewelled the animals that had joined them.  
  
"It was good to finally meet you, Lloyd," Ben said as the other  
man turned to him.  
  
Lloyd nodded, smiling. "After all I've heard about you it's good  
to be able to put a face to a name. I'm sure it won't be too long before  
we meet again."  
  
"Please send my regards to your parents and to Casey and Trevor."  
  
"I'll be sure to do that." He held out his hand. "Well,  
goodbye, Ben."  
  
Ben shook his hand. "Goodbye, Lloyd. And thank you ... for ..."  
he waved his left hand, suddenly too ashamed to put into words what he  
really wanted to say.  
  
But Lloyd was an astute man. He knew that Ben referred to the information  
he had given him about Phil. "You're welcome," he said, voice  
low and gentle. He turned and climbed into the jeep.  
  
Ben stepped back and waited while Lloyd started the engine. Lloyd gave  
him a wave, then shifted the engine into gear. Before he could take  
off Ben lurched forward and gripped the door handle. Lloyd stomped on  
the brakes and turned to the man at the window.  
  
Ben's eyes were wide and his expression open like a child.  
  
"This man," he began eagerly. "This man that Phil is  
to marry."  
  
"Martin," Lloyd said in a voice that gave away nothing about  
his thoughts.  
  
"Oh." Ben thought for a split second. It hadn't occurred  
to ask his name. He stared intensely at Lloyd. "You **will**  
see that he takes good care of her."  
  
Lloyd smiled with something that Ben could only think of as protectiveness.  
"Don't worry, Ben. You can be sure I'll do that."  
  
Ben nodded his acceptance and held Lloyd's gaze for a second longer.  
As he stepped away from the jeep, Lloyd shifted into gear, gave a final  
wave and then drove off down the drive.  
  
Ben watched the jeep and as it turned onto the road, turned and went  
into the house. He made himself a pot of chamomile tea and carried it  
into the living room. Rummaging through Cat's untidy CD collection,  
he found a copy of Puccini's Madame Butterfly. He slipped the disc into  
the player then wandered out to rest in one of the hammocks to await  
Cat's return.  
  
In Moose Jaw, Cat and Lloyd only had time for a quick cup of coffee before  
his plane. After a hasty farewell at the check in counter, Cat left  
Lloyd and headed home to Ben, stopping once along the way to collect  
takeout from the only Chinese restaurant in town.  
  
  
When Cat arrived home she found Ben asleep in one of the hammocks on  
the verandah. Dief was in the other. She slipped the takeout into a  
slow oven to keep warm and then joined her friend on the verandah, making  
herself comfortable in her favourite old wicker chair.  
  
As the late afternoon turned into evening Cat watched Ben sleep, wondering  
what this week had meant to him. He had arrived with injuries both mental  
and physical and it seemed she would send him back to Chicago with more  
of both.  
  
When Ben and the animals finally woke, they ate the Chinese food from  
the containers sitting on stools in the kitchen. Ben chided Cat as she  
dropped tidbits onto the floor for Dief. The cats weren't remotely interested,  
so she fed them fresh meat in their own special bowls then returned to  
her own meal.  
  
They didn't speak much. It seemed they had reached a calm place in their  
friendship and old wounds were beginning to heal. They both slept well  
that night.  
  
Cat rose early the next morning, awakened by noise from outside. Shoving  
a snoring wolf off her feet, she rolled out of bed and padded naked to  
the large window. Outside, Ben was on his knees in the columbine patch.  
Judging by the size of the weed pile by his side, he had been at work  
for some time. She smiled contentedly and went downstairs to make breakfast.  
  
Ben's final day in Canada was spent at home. After breakfast Cat joined  
Ben in the garden, picking what vegetables were still growing and pulling  
out others that were finished for the season. They didn't talk much,  
but when they did it was the way it had always been between them. Cat's  
heart filled with warmth. Ben's stay and his meeting with Lloyd had  
turned out far better than she could have hoped. She and Ben had grown  
close again, but even better than that, Ben and Lloyd had formed the  
beginning of a friendship. To Cat it seemed that everything was coming  
together perfectly.  
  
Ben, too, was pleased with the events of the past week. Most of them,  
anyway. He had dealt with his feelings about Cat and Lloyd and finally  
admitted to himself that she had been right all along. But it was the  
spectre of Lloyd's relationship with Phil that tugged at his mind no  
matter how hard he tried to ignore it. As he and Cat worked side by  
side in the garden, he found it filled his mind and threatened to overwhelm  
him. He almost laughed out loud at the irony. What were the odds that  
his former lover's new lover would once have been his lover? And what  
were the odds that they would all remain friends after all this time?  
When it became too much to think about he dug harder, ignoring the protest  
of his ribs and lower back. He deserved the pain. Plus it kept him  
from thinking about Phil's impending marriage.  
  
Ben's plane was to leave at four o'clock. Less than twenty-four hours  
after she had farewelled Lloyd, Cat was back at the airport to farewell  
Ben and Diefenbaker. Once they were checked in, Cat led them to the  
coffee shop. It wasn't until their order of coffee and a plate of nachos  
to share was served that Cat realised it was the same table they had  
sat after Ben's last, less happy visit.  
  
"Well, what's Ray going to say when you get home? I told him to  
send you up here so I could take care of you and now I'm sending you  
back in worse condition."  
  
Ben dipped a corn chip into the beans and guacamole and stuck it in his  
mouth before answering. "He'll probably think you were beating  
me."  
  
Smiling, Cat swallowed a mouthful of food. "First joke I've heard  
you make in ages, Ben."  
  
"It's the first time in ages I've felt like making one."  
  
"This visit has been great." She reached across the table  
and squeezed his hand. "For both us."  
  
"Yes it has." This time Ben's smile didn't quite make it to  
his eyes. He knew there were things that would come back to haunt him  
in his lonely apartment when he the warmth of his time with Cat had faded  
away.  
  
  
When it was finally time to depart the two friends hugged silently for  
as long as they could.  
  
"Thank you for everything, Cat."  
  
"You know there's nothing to thank me for."  
  
Ben just smiled. "I'm glad I met Lloyd. I'm really happy for you."  
  
"Thanks, Ben. I'm glad you got on so well." She was tempted  
to remind Ben that he, too, could have what they had, but decided against  
it. They had been down that road one too many times.  
  
After more hugs and farewells, Ben finally disappeared through the departure  
gate, leaving Cat smiling at the empty doorway. Eventually she turned  
away, heading for the carpark, trying hard to ignore whatever it was  
that was suddenly, inexplicably niggling at her.  
  
As he winged his way toward Chicago, Ben found his relative peace slipping  
away as quickly as the miles. For a brief moment he had felt close to  
Cat, almost a part of what she and Lloyd had created. But now, alone  
again, he found his mind full of thoughts that made his heart race and  
his palms sweat.  
  
He was on the outskirts.  
  
Becka had moved onto a new job in Kitimat, her exile from the RCMP drawing  
to a close. She had no need for him, even though she insisted she did.  
Cat was deeply involved in her relationship and although she tried hard  
to include him, there were things that could only ever exist between  
her and Lloyd.  
  
And what of his friends in Chicago? There were some people he had no  
desire to be closer to. For a brief moment he thought of his attempt  
at a relationship with Inspector Thatcher. She was a woman who would  
let no man get too close and in hindsight he was grateful. It seemed  
that Ray was the only person he felt close to and even in that relationship  
he remained on the outskirts. Ray's family was something he would never  
understand, no matter how many times they invited him to be a part of  
family events.  
  
If the other reasons were not enough to convince himself, there was another,  
far more damning reason. He knew that the one woman who could make him  
complete was finally completely and totally unattainable. It was this  
that would keep him from reaching what his heart longed for. It was  
this that would keep him on the outskirts.  
  
All comments welcome at  
  
 ****Nothing Lasts Forever (Book 2 of the Ben and Phil Saga)  
  
1.Nothing Lasts Forever  
2.Of Second Chances by Carol Trendall  
3.Winter in America is Cold by Carol Trendall  
4.Lavender Memories  
5.Distractions by Carol Trendall  
6.No Aphrodisiac by Carol Trendall  
7.Life's Insanity by Carol Trendall  
8.Standing on the Edge by Carol Trendall  
9.Of Past Regret and Future Fear by Carol Trendall  
10.A Summoning of Things Past  
11.Three Parts Dead  
12.A Job Well Done  
13.Touchstones of Character  
14.But For the Night  
15.Tangled Webs  
16.Suspicions  
17.Chasms of the Mind (with Carol Trendall)  
18.Outskirts by Carol Trendall  
  
  



End file.
